March 13, 2001

Margie Kelley used to think that bemg a good parent meant helping her children's teachers ... and getting each of her three children to piano, tennis, ballet and other lessons ... and taking them to school events. "At the end of the day, I was like the Grinch," she says. "I didn't like myself or my life because all I did was take kids to activities and shout at them to hurry so we wouldn't be late," she recalls. After her fourth child was born three years ago, Margie decided the 'hyper-parenting" had to stop. So she began to limit her children to two activities each. The change in her family was almost immediate. "We are happier doing what we want to be doing, which is spending time with one another," she says. What is hyper-parenting? Hyper-parents believe it is their responsibility "to craft the perfect childhood for their kids, to provide their children with every possible advantage that ensures their success, and to shield them as much as possible from discomfort and failure," says Nicole Wise, coauthor of The Over-Scheduled Child. Sure, every parent wants the best for her child. And parents push because they care. But sometimes, says Wise, herself the mother of four, parents can push too much and, in the process, hurt everyone involved. "You have to have your own adult life," she says. "If you don't, then you've handed your children the Combat Hyper-Parenting Wise suggest these five tips: Plan family activities. Instead of spending every weekend chauffeuring one child to baseball practice and another to a birthday party, plan things such as bowling or beachcombing that encourage family togetherness. Set limits. Limit children to one sport each per season. That way, you no longer spend all your time carting kids to practice. Give children responsibilities. Whether it's making their own playdates or their own lunches, kids grow when their parents allow them to, says Wise. Value unproductive time. Recognize that when your child climbs into your lap, that's good and important time spent together. You don't always have to be doing something that has an end product. full responsibility of giving meaning to your life." Margie now realizes that pushing her children to be "well-rounded" was not really serving them well. "When I first cut back the activities, my kids were like, 'Now what do we do?' But since then, I've seen their imagination and attention span blossom," she says. "They spend hours--sometimes days--putting on plays and making up games. It's fun to see how they've changed." And Margie says she's more relaxed and better able to enjoy her children. Where does it come from? Chalk it up to a combination of factors, says Wise. First, working parents may bring the same efficiency and intensity to parenting as they use on the job. Second, the proliferation of parenting books and magazines has made parents more sensitive to "getting it right." And third, the attitude that winning is everything makes parents think that they and their kids must always excel. But parents can counteract this. "Find a balance," Wise says. "Keep in mind that your ultimate goal is to raise a child who doesn't need you. Parents do that not by overseeing every little detail of their kid's life, but by letting them have a little life of their own." - Andrea Atkins