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Helping overbooked kids cut back
By SUE SHELLENBARGER
When Debra Cooper's 6-year-old daughter Taylor resisted taking a family
vacation day because she was anxious about missing extracurricular activities,
Ms. Cooper decided she was overscheduled and started cutting back.
But stepping off the treadmill wasn't easy, Ms. Cooper says. When Taylor
started coming home after school, there was no one in the neighborhood to play
with; other kids were at practices or lessons. Other parents were skeptical,
hinting Ms. Cooper was short-changing her daughter. And Taylor herself soon
asked to resume some activities. Frustrated, Ms. Cooper wondered, "How do we
stop and get off this mommy marathon?"
Written about and discussed for decades, the problem of overscheduled
children still looms large. Many parents keep children busy believing that
stimulating activities will aid their development; the pattern is most marked
among 9- to 12-year-olds. But the trend has gone too far, the American Academy
of Pediatrics said in January in the journal "Pediatrics"; kids need more time
for free play and family togetherness. Resolving the issue can require some
artful life-balancing skills.
Not all researchers see overbooking as a widespread problem. Sandra Hofferth,
a professor of family studies at the University of Maryland, found an increase
since 1981 in the time kids spend in structured activities, based on a detailed
study of 331 children ages 9 to 12. But only one-fourth were what she calls
"hurried children," engaged in three or more activities, or four or more hours
of activities a week. Among them, she found no evidence of elevated behavior
problems, such as being withdrawn or having poor self-esteem or trouble getting
along with other children.
The signs of overload are often more subtle: overtiredness, irritability,
falling grades, anxiety or obstinacy. As a recovered overbooker myself, I can
attest that it can cause anxiety. My kids, now 16 and 19, say they've forgiven
me for signing them up for too much stuff in elementary school. But I now know
that it sometimes stressed them out.
To help Taylor relax, Ms. Cooper, Aventura, Fla., dropped swimming and tennis
last fall. But she has since resumed tennis and added karate at the request of
Taylor, who has been "conditioned" to being busy, Ms. Cooper says. "Now I'm
trying to un-condition her, letting her know it's OK not to be moving at 100
miles an hour every day." She's also watching her closely for signs of renewed
stress.
Some parents fear they'll inadvertently stunt their child's potential. Jane
Istvan had her son Sam, 8, drop year-round soccer and just do baseball this
spring, to preserve two hours a day for family time. But she worries: "What if
Sam could have been a fantastic soccer player," and by curbing his activities,
"I'm screwing him up?"
Others fear their kids will be ostracized. At the school Beth Blecherman's
8-year-old son attends, kids who don't play organized sports are sometimes
excluded from playground games. But after noticing that large-group activities
made her son anxious, Ms. Blecherman, Palo Alto, Calif., is cutting out team
sports anyway, and he's happier for it, she says.
How do you decide what activities to keep and which ones to cut? It's wise to
take a measured approach; Ms. Cooper had Taylor complete her dance season and
recital this spring, to teach her to finish what she starts. Beyond that, Alvin
Rosenfeld, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and author of "The
Overscheduled Child," recommends dividing activities into two groups those you
regard as essential, such as religious school, and those seen as optional.
Schedule the first group, and allow the child to select from the rest, he
advises.
Ask yourself, "What activities make my child glow?" says Kenneth Ginsburg,
author of the American Academy of Pediatrics article. "What does she get excited
about?" I found keeping kids in activities they don't enjoy won't lead them to
continue that pursuit no matter how much you hope they will. Instead, heed your
child's inner motivations. Ideally, says Dr. Ginsburg, a pediatrician at the
Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, they'll seek becoming "a richer, more
balanced person" over resume-building or fueling parental pride.
Keeping an Eye Out
Signs a child may need a break
- More than two extra-curricular activities at once
- A drop in school grades
- Anxiety, overtiredness, obstinacy or irritability
- Inability to entertain him or herself
- A lack of relaxed parent-child time
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