In this article: Are you a hyper-parent? Take this quiz.

By Alvin Rosenfeld, M.D., and Nicole Wise 

IF YOU'RE a parent striving to fill your children's lives with rich experiences and growth-promoting activities, beware: You may be a "hyper-parent,'' inadvertently hurting their chances to lead happy, productive lives. 

Hyper-parents believe they are responsible for crafting perfect lives for their families. In the process, the most well-meaning parent may be raising ill-adjusted kids -- and cutting themselves short. Such well-intentioned but overzealous parenting can undermine a child's self-esteem and keep her from acquiring skills she'll need to become a healthy adult. 

When parents hover at homework time, answering every little question, kids become impatient and convinced they can't do good enough work on their own. Parents' deep involvement in every detail of their children's lives prevents the children from learning to structure their own schedules, balancing work and relaxation. And in constantly rearranging adult plans to accommodate kids' events, parents show their children the world revolves around them -- then are amazed and annoyed at their kids' self-centeredness. 

When grownups smooth every bump in a child's life -- so he is spared the unfairness of, say, a bad call in hockey -- he doesn't learn the painful but necessary lesson that we have to go on, even when life isn't fair. 

Thinking every moment of a kid's day should be "productive" results in over-scheduled, stressed-out children. When adults push their children to reach higher and work harder, they focus too much on what is wrong with them, overlooking how much is right. Pressured so, many kids think they'll never measure up. No wonder many give up and fall apart -- particularly in adolescence. 

The constant activity also keeps adults from forging important connections with their children and contemplating crucial ethical questions that are far more critical to their success than how prestigious a college they attend. 

Renouncing hyper-parenting can immediately improve the odds for happiness. Parents' relationships with their children will become more genuine, more connected and less frantic. That really is what parents have wanted all along -- and what kids need to grow into happy, balanced adults. 

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1. Your 7-year-old likes to play alone or with one of her two close pals. Apparently, she is one of three children in the class not invited to a birthday party. She is unbothered. You feel ... 
Cool: If she's happy, I'm happy. 0 points
Crazed: What's wrong with her? 3 points

2. You just received results of standardized tests used for the school's gifted program and your child's score is one point below the cutoff. Your reaction?
Accepting. They have to have a cutoff, and, anyway, no test measures what a terrific kid mine is. 0 points
Anxious. What does this mean for her future, and what can I do to get her in that program? 3 points 

3. Your 8th-grader is a B student, a mediocre athlete -- and a really terrific kid. When you think about her future, especially regarding college, you feel ... 
Calm. Great kids find a good place in the world. 0 points
Concerned. Colleges look for superstars. What if she can't cut it? 3 points 

4. All day, you've looked forward to an evening bike ride. But your son just asked you to drive him across town to a minor-league baseball game. You say ... 
Sorry, because sometimes you have to put yourself first. 0 points
Certainly. That's what good parents do. 3 points

5. Except for Wednesdays, your calendar is packed with activities for your two children. Now your son reports that a new Scout troop is forming and -- great news! -- will meet on Wednesdays. You say ...
No way. We all need some down time. 0 points
No problem. We'll make it work somehow. 3 points

6. Given the challenge of spending one hour in conversation with other parents from your child's soccer team on any subject but kids or sports, how difficult would it be? 
Easy. There's politics, books, gardening ...0 points
Excruciating. What else could we possibly talk about? 3 points

If you scored ...
0-5 points: Congratulations on your sense of balance. 
6-10 points: Warning -- you're teetering near the edge. 
11-15 points: You likely are a hyper-parent. 

-- A.R. and N.W. 

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