Mon, October 25, 2004

Toughing it out

JUST WHO'S IN CHARGE THESE DAYS, ANYWAY?

WHEN IS "NO" not a "no?" When you say it to your kid. Seems many of today's parents can't, or won't, set firm limits for whatever reason, so kids know that with some begging, bribing, weeping, wailing, whining, pestering, pleading, sulking and gnashing of teeth, beleaguered parents give in.

So just who's in charge, anyway?

According to parenting experts, overindulging children by failing to establish reasonable boundaries unfortunately puts kids in charge, an all too common scenario as over-worked and stressed-out parents surrender to endless demands, big and small, rather than stick to their guns and weather the storm that may follow.

"Parents have lost their comfort in their authority, which leaves everyone poorer," says Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld. "We want to be our kids' friends. We are not! We are their parents!"

The renowned New York child psychiatrist says "not setting limits is not over-indulgence -- it is negligence. Every child needs to know where the boundaries are. And parents who don't set clear limits invite their children to be socially obnoxious, which is a gift to no one."

Parenting educator Kathy Lynn agrees: "Kids become spoiled brats, insecure and unhappy and they do not learn how to function well in the world."

NO SELF-DISCIPLINE

Over time authority is disregarded and respect vanishes. "No" rings hollow and the rules are flouted: From getting tattoos, skipping school and sneaking out at night to drinking underage, smoking pot and taking the family car without permission.

Ultimately, inner self-discipline is non-existent leaving teenagers ill prepared to survive once they leave home. According to parenting guru Barbara Coloroso, "two freshmen died from overdrinking in less than a week in Colorado. It's awful -- kids are not taught to have inner control. We need to be in charge and help them learn to live in our society and give back."

Kathy Lynn agrees: "It's our job to set limits and their job to push limits." Lynn, author of Who's In Charge Anyway? How Parents Can Teach Children To Do The Right Thing (Whitecap), says that "when there are no limits, children miss the security of knowing that there is someone in charge and doing the job, so they can put their energy into their job, that of growing up."

Parents today have become so accustomed to listening, explaining, negotiating and empathizing with their children that they have lost sight of the fact that it's their job and responsibility to be in charge, says Lynn. Somehow in making them feel good about themselves by promoting being their own person and meeting their own needs, "parents have missed the boat in helping them develop character."

There's no doubt about it, parenting is a tough job. Experts agree it's often easier to bow out, back down or buy, buy, buy rather than listen to whine, whine, whine -- it keeps the peace and deflects conflict amidst hectic and stressful schedules. "We also are tired ourselves and the job of raising kids is hard work. For some reason many of us expected it to be easier," says Lynn. "We are more isolated as parents, we spend less time with kids in groups, we often won't ask our own parents because we think that they don't understand our reality and we don't have the neighbourhood connections anymore."

And for many reasons, parents feel a self-imposed pressure to keep their kids happy. "We have less time with our kids so we want it to be a happy time. Also, we have fewer kids so we are more focused on their happiness, and we're having children later in life so we want it to be perfect, particularly if it was difficult to get pregnant or adopt."

Parents somehow think that life should be a constant pleasure for kids, adds Lynn.

Well, that's not our job, says Coloroso. "My job isn't to keep them happy -- it's to help them be all they can be. It's about being a model and guide, not a friend."

Ultimately, a parent's goal is to increase responsibilities and decision-making and to decrease the limits and boundaries in order to help them grow into responsible, resourceful, resilient and compassionate adults, she says.

"And there is a healthy tension in all of this," says Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child The Gift of Inner Discipline. She'll soon be releasing a parenting book on teaching kids ethics entitled Just Because It's Not Wrong, Doesn't Make it Right.

CHEAP OUT

Overindulging kids is a cheap way out of parenting -- kids grow up with a distorted sense of entitlement, she adds. "Delayed gratification is critical to a strong sense of self and it enables them to look long-term. You learn to be more caring."

Dr. Marion Goertz says that without limitations kids can't possibly feel safe or cared for: "Showering a child with stuff rather than attention and positive regard has a way of creating a purgatory of possessions. It comes too easily without any measure of work and compensation.

"The real world will be a nasty shock for one who has learned to trade only in commodities and not in relationship give and take," says Goertz, a Toronto marriage and family therapist, adding that "stuff" does not provide the crucial building block of solid human character -- it's all about time, attention, love and affection.

Parents are not expected to buy everything, stresses Rosenfeld. "But we have become afraid of their anger, which can only make them anxious in the long run by saying, subliminally, that their anger is too strong even for their parents. What a destructive message!"

Meanwhile, if parents do the job and kids learn that begging and whining are a waste of time, they will stop, says Lynn. "We just have to understand that our job is to model, expect, demand and supervise the standards of their behaviour and while this is not always easy, the payoffs are tremendous."

Teaching them to do what's right instead of what's easy is essential. "And even when they don't seem to be listening, they're watching," adds Lynn, of Parentingtoday.ca

Next story: Just say no ... and mean it!