'Hyper-parents' seek simpler life
Slowing down isn't always easy
But benefits for families immense
ANDREA GORDON
FAMILY ISSUES REPORTER
Gillian and Mitchell Sinclair moved to their Thornhill home more than a year ago. Since then, they've only made it to the park once with their two boys.Not that they haven't wanted to. "But there's only so much time," Gillian says. The days are packed with hockey, soccer, after-school activities and homework for Evan, 9, and Joshua, 6."I guess we both feel that keeping them active will keep them out of trouble," she says. But the pace can be hard on everybody, including the adults, who both work full-time.Last summer, the Sinclairs had hopes of some family bike rides and a camping trip. But those also fell prey to hectic schedules.Gillian says she doesn't want to spend all day running around, "but it's hard to find that happy medium."She's expecting a third baby any day, and both parents are determined their third child should have the same opportunities as the boys. But how they will manage it all with a newborn, "I cannot figure it out for the life of me."These days, when the biggest shortage that plagues most middle-class families is time, taking steps to get more of it seems so difficult. Trying to leap off the merry-go-round is a lot harder than it sounds once you're on it."In many ways, the craziness just happens to you," says Barbara Carlson, president of the organization Putting Family First, a grassroots movement that sprang up five years ago in Wayzata, Minn., to combat the epidemic of frantic lives."You sign up your 3-year-old for ballet once a week, not knowing that at 10 or 11 it will be three times a week and then after that you'll be flying to Florida for a competition."She says she hears from lots of well-intentioned parents claiming they never set out to operate at such a pace. "They get caught up in it." When they try to stop, there's no one else in the neighbourhood for their kids to play with.Gillian Sinclair can relate. This spring, she promised herself not to enrol one of her sons in one more activity, "and before I knew it he was registered."Eleanor Kosmala, a Mississauga mother of three, describes the momentum a different way. "You want to give your kids every opportunity that you can to experience things," she says. "So parents see other kids doing things and they say, `My kid should be doing that, too.' It's almost a competitive thing."The streaming starts early. Kids who show an aptitude in anything — art, gymnastics, violin, academics — are encouraged early to jump to the next level, which demands more time and money. Parents are reluctant to hold them back.Carlson says the pressure affects families across the board. She has met with single mothers who take on second and third jobs to make sure their kids get the same opportunities for activities and extras.But as the strain continues to build on overextended families, she says, there are signs of parents wrestling with how to opt out. "We have a sense that people are thinking about it and becoming more intentional. This is part of the awareness we're trying to raise in young parents: Don't let it catch you."Awareness is the first step in affecting change. And author Muffy Mead-Ferro has recently done her bit to raise it.In her recent book, Confessions Of A Slacker Mom, the Salt Lake City mother of two celebrates the good old days of hands-off parenting and, with a light-hearted touch, takes today's generation to task for incessant fussing and micromanaging of their children's lives.Mead-Ferro calls the book's success a surprise because she lives in a hotbed of overparenting, where "I really know kids who can't turn around without a clarinet being shoved in their faces."But when these same parents heard about her book, with its "enough already" message, they snapped it up, putting it on the San Francisco Chronicle's bestseller list. At readings and book events, they ask her how to kick their controlling habits."They know they have to back off, they just don't know how," she said in an interview from her home office. "It seems to them that the stakes are so high. I don't think they're high at all."
Research shows what's important are emotional connections, not activities
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Mead-Ferro says it's all a question of perspective, defining what's important and remembering there are many ways to measure success — a point she makes in her chapter called "There Goes Harvard."Carlson, who now has two grandchildren, agrees. "I also have the luxury of hindsight. You think all these things are so important when your kids are little, and then you realize they're not."One way to get off the fast track — whether from activities or the video-games culture — is to find other parents who share your values, for mutual support and to give your kids playmates with like-minded parents.As interest in slowing down has picked up, so has research. Much of it shows it's the emotional connections between parents and kids, not the activities, that are most important."All our research is showing that if you can only do one thing for your kids, it would be to eat a meal together," Carlson says. She cites a University of Michigan study which found that more shared meals at home was the single biggest predictor of higher achievement scores and fewer behaviour problems among kids. Similar findings came from the largest federally funded study of American teenagers. The results held true whether the children were in one- or two-parent families and regardless of social class.Carlson says evidence from teens is that they value parental contact most at four key times: early morning, after school, dinnertime and before bed.She also says that for kids, it's often "the little things that really matter," such as notes in lunchboxes, talking face to face, spontaneously grabbing them and dancing around the room.In the midst of a busy lifestyle, Dalila Giusti tries to keep that in mind. Her 12-year-old son is an elite hockey player who plays year-round, and her 11-year-old daughter dances three times a week and takes piano lessons. Giusti and her husband, who both work full-time but have flexible hours, are heavily involved in helping out with the hockey team.But the family has dinner together most nights, whether it's at 4:45 p.m. before hockey or 7:30 p.m. after dance class. On weekends, they go out for breakfast, and do shopping and errands together.Giusti still lies down to talk with her kids many nights before they fall asleep. "It's amazing what they tell you."Claire McDerment, co-chair of the Psychology Foundation of Canada's preventative program called Kids Have Stress Too!, says it's a red flag when families are too frenzied to fit in those moments."I know families who never eat dinner together," she says. "Sometimes you have to look at the whole picture and say: Does this really make sense?"Her suggestion: Consider forgoing activities on school nights. Limit outside activities to two per child — one chosen by the child and the other with parental input. And make decisions according to the needs of the child.For example, a child who goes to day care before school, then school, followed by after-school care, may not be up to handling one more transition in their day, such as an evening activity. What they likely need most is downtime, or story time with a parent, at home.Plenty of kids seem to thrive on being busy. But it can backfire if the trade-off is exhausted, short-tempered parents. "If parents have stress, it's catching. If you're around stressed-out people, even if you're calm, it affects you," McDerment says. "Stress is something we get hooked into."Alvin Rosenfeld, co-author of The Over-scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-parenting Trap, urges parents to consider an opposite approach to much of the conventional wisdom they may hear.Resist pressure to push your child to excel early. Focus on yourself and your spouse, because children do better when their parents are happy. Build lots of empty spaces into the calendar. Let them figure it out if they get bored, he says on his Web site (http://www.hyper-parenting.com).Spend time together to teach children that performance and constant activity aren't the defining measures of a fulfilling life."The fact that you, the parent, enjoy spending time with your child with no apparent goal lets her know you find her more interesting than just about anything else in the world — (there's) nothing that will bolster her self-esteem more effectively."
How do you cope with all the pressure on kids to grow up fast? Share your thoughts about hurried childhood at http://www.thestar.com/kids.
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