I am honored to be here with you, active members of junior auxiliaries. You sponsor valuable community activities that enhance children’s physical health and emotional wellbeing. We share a belief: Children who are healthy today will have healthy futures. Yet I have become very concerned that a contemporary, anxious social pressure is opposing our efforts.

That destructive force is making impossible demands on our families, weakening our marriages, and overwhelming our children. It contributes the chronic bellyaches, headaches, sleep disturbances, eating disorders, and overuse injuries for which we bring our kids to their pediatrician. It also leads to discouraged kids being misdiagnosed as ADD or to their becoming anxious, depressed, and suicidal. I call this pressure, “hyper-parenting.

Hyperparenting makes parents anxious, telling them that if they really loved their kids they would enroll them in innumerable enrichment activities so they stood out as people with a passion. Each high-pressure activity is said to be a critical step: Make all the right moves and your child will get into a top name university and have a successful life. Deprive your kids of these activities and their only acceptance letter will be to the Lower Southeast Sonoma County Junior College’s night extension program. They will have miserable lives, and you – and you alone – will be to blame. Given that equation, do you really have a choice?

Some form of hyper-parenting seems to blossomed everywhere in the past 25 years. But its roots lie in fundamental changes in the American family that accompanied the industrial revolution. Before then families were productive economic units. Most people lived on farms, practiced crafts, or ran small shops, which meant that adults needed children’s help! Our great-grandparents work -- stocking shelves in the family shop, milking the farm’s cows and gathering the eggs – “spelled the difference between economic well-being and destitution.” (Mintz, 2004)

Children’s work was so vital that orphan trains ran from New York west so childless farm families could recruit foster children for their labor. While we might consider that need to work a harsh reality, it made a child’s world much more concrete and comprehensible: Every day on every dinner table, a child saw the direct or indirect fruits of his or her labor.

Neither parents nor children worried about getting an A+: The system was pass/fail. You either did your chores or you didn’t! And if you did, you were a good kid whose parents should have been appreciative.

Family relationships were clear. Some lucky people had great parents. Others were less fortunate. But whether or not you loved your father or mother, the Ten Commandments told you how to behave towards them: With respect. Respecting someone because they bring home a paycheck is abstract. Back then respect was a natural outgrowth of living and working with your parents every day. How could you watch your father hitch a team of huge oxen to a plow, or your mother turn raw animal fat into candles, and not respect a person with such remarkable abilities? (Bettelheim)

That working together was your most vital schooling, where you learned how to do what you expected you would do as an adult. The formal schooling we insist on today became mandatory only in the late 19^th and early 20^th centuries. Our world is so different! When human labor fueled the economy, people who could neither read nor write could earn a decent living. Even professionals --architects, engineers, doctors, and lawyers -- could learn their professions through apprenticeships. Abraham Lincoln had less than one full year of formal schooling before first becoming a surveyor and later an attorney; rumor has it he was pretty good at both!

But social security and a complex post-industrial economy has left our lives only indirectly connected to our daily bread. That economy has also dramatically altered family relationships: Children, once essential contributors to the family’s economic life, are now economically useless, huge financial drains on its finances. Rather than working together with our kids to produce our daily bread, our families’ primary shared activity is consuming: Playing, vacationing, “recreating,” and shopping.

Avoiding starvation was powerful adhesive for families. We have far less reliable glue binding us together: Love. Love can be fickle. It takes unpredictable emotions and quiet time, something contemporary overscheduling – with its perpetual race to nowhere – has made more difficult. This has affected family life profoundly. In just the past 20 years, structured sports time has doubled, unstructured children’s activities have declined 50%, household conversations have become far less frequent, family dinners have declined 33%, and family vacations have decreased 28%.

So much else has changed! Once, children were to be seen and not heard; today, kids are showcased because parenting has become America’s most competitive adult sport. We often hear of a child’s accomplishments, but rarely the simple praise, “he’s such a good (or good-hearted) kid!” One hundred years ago, work ended when the sun set. Today, glowing electric lights allow homework to be done until midnight and ice hockey practice to begin before the sun rises. As children’s activities have become the center of family life, adult needs have been subordinated. And adolescents – who today become biologically mature three years earlier -- must remain social children until their mid 20’s or thirties. When is a Jewish fetus viable? When it finishes medical school!

We live in an age of science, data, and statistical analysis. Surely a child-rearing style this prevalent has robust empirical support. It does not.  Anecdotal evidence suggests the opposite. Leonard Bernstein started playing the piano not at 4 but at 10; until George Gershwin discovered music, he specialized --apparently with considerable success -- in being a child hoodlum. I have been told that unlike Tiger Woods’ near neo-natal success, Michael Jordan did not make his high school J.V. basketball team at first.

Furthermore, contrary to hyperparenting’s idea that you need to excel early, many exceptional people find their calling not in what they excelled at but in overcoming their own – or a loved one’s -- handicap: Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone because he was struggling to find a way to help cure his wife’s family’s inherited deafness. In my experience, many – if not most – creative people select as a life’s work not what came easily to them but what they had to work hard to be good at.

And while hyperparenting implies that everything can be planned, many crucial events are serendipitous. Sometimes, recognizing the implications of accidents leads to the truly great discoveries. One such mistake – breadcrumbs accidentally dropped on an agar plate –led Alexander Fleming to discover penicillin.

I am not saying that hard work and enrichment activities are bad; to the contrary, they can add enormously to making life full and meaningful. They can help children find their passions, teach them the value of perseverance and teamwork, and help them build friendships. But some parents seem to be operating on the notion that if a little is good a lot must be better. We know what that principle does our computer when we apply it to adding software! Many children are enrolled in multiple, non-stop, “one size fits all” standard programs like soccer, music, and Mandarin. The balance between scheduled enrichment and down time can be lost while every child’s preferences and temperament may be overlooked. Kids are told to be excellent standard issue items! Parents wear their frazzled exhaustion as merit badges.

We see this in everyday life. We ask a friend about her kids’ activities and despite being frazzled looking, she proudly answers, "Monday-soccer and math tutoring, Tuesday, soccer then piano, Wednesday religious school, Thursday –long soccer practice, but Friday is free, which leaves the weekend for soccer games both days because Liz was so good she was selected to be on the travel team.” You feel exhausted just listening to this list. Imagine how poor Liz feels! 

Let me mention a few other ways this over-scheduling madness expresses itself:

1. Because research supposedly “proved” that listening to Mozart enhanced mathematical ability, former Governor Zell Miller signed a bill to send every Georgia newborn home with a Mozart CD. While that would have been a progressive, excellent idea if the research were valid, it was actually done done on college students, had no comparison group, and had an effect that was very short-lived.

   Furthermore, no one studied whether Mozart was superior to Mahler, Mick Jagger, whale songs, or the Dixie Chicks. What would supposed child-rearing “experts” recommend if really good research proved that the music that most promoted children’s brain development was Gangsta Rap? Should parents play it in nurseries all day?

   When kids are a bit older, parents come to believe that to do their job right, they need to products like Baby Einstein. After all, whose child isn’t a genius? However, while adult Albert was a genius, he talked late, did poorly at school, and had a headmaster who said he would never amount to anything. If little Albert were a kid today, his parents likely would get him a comprehensive evaluation: By seven he would be on Ritalin. He might not invent the theory of relativity but he sure would attend far better to fourth grade math! And what are you thinking about if you want a Baby Van Gogh? I love the man’s art but find his mental illness and ear amputation things I prefer my children steer clear of!

2. What about school aged kids? Under pressure from parents, suburban schools have increased homework for young children. Yet no empirical research has detected any correlation between the amount of homework elementary school students do and later achievement. In fact, some studies maintain that too much homework may actually hurt­ school performance. But these facts do not overrule cherished beliefs, so homework increases.

   Grade school assignments make some parents near full-time homework helpers. As a result, some schools have had to divide the way projects, like second grade dioramas, are graded, into those the child clearly made, and those that parents seem to have helped with just a little bit, because Josh’s zebra habitat looks like it had been designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.

3. Fundamental laws of statistics have been repealed! America’s schools have become Garrison Keillor’s Lake Woebegone: No school-aged child is average. Each is either gifted or learning disabled. And if they are not gifted, it is probably because they need Adderall.

4. In high school, this over-scheduled mentality has adolescents sleep-deprived as they rush between activities, endless homework, and the requisite community service. Ambitious high school students are exhausted! They often think they can get by on five or six hours sleep even though experts say that sleep deprivation has negative effects on behavioral control, emotions, and attention. Kids look for “unusual” sports or instruments to play.

I love this story, which I have been told, but since I do not know this girl personally, I have to call it an unconfirmed sighting: One affluent girl desperately wanted to go to Brown University. All through high school, her mother said that the French horn was her ticket in. At her Brown interview, she was asked about many things; when the interviewer finally asked her a question about the French horn, she lit up because her moment had arrived. He quickly moved on and she was crestfallen. Some time later the interviewer noticed that the girl was also a recreational ice skater. He looked at her, and asked, “Do you think you could play the French horn on ice?” She laughed because she was sure he was kidding. But he explained that they needed a French horn player for their ice hockey support band. So never doubt a mother’s prescience; her daughter got into Brown.

Other than in video games, adults have colonized what traditionally was children’s after-school world. Kids want to play sports. As Fred Engh – head of the National Association of Youth Sports -- points out, 78% of young children would rather play for a losing team than warm the bench for one that wins. Kids have fun playing, can develop an ease with their bodies, learn about teamwork and sportsmanship, enhance their self esteem if they are good athletes, and find a physical activity that gives them pleasure and a sense of physical well-being for the rest of their lives.

But in the same communities where your Junior Auxiliary chapters are fighting to make children physically, educationally, and spiritually healthy, professionalized kids’ sports sometimes do the opposite. The American Academy of Pediatrics warned parents about the dangers of young kids competing in demanding, incredibly competitive sports. They strongly advised that children play multiple sports and specialize in one if they must, only after puberty. Despite their warning, competitive pressure has insinuated itself even into soccer leagues for four year olds.

By ten, towns “cherry-pick” travel and premier teams. A recent article stated that, “at least 300,000 sports concussions occur in children annually.” Yet soccer coaches still ask their young players to head the ball and football and hockey players with multiple concussions often keep their injury secret because they think they won’t get recruited for college teams if they don’t keep playing.

Eleven-year-old pitchers hurl up to 90 games a season. Though the number of innings in each is limited, the fallout is substantial. Orthopedic surgeons report a dramatic increase in recreation-linked bone fractures, dislocations, and muscle injuries annually among 5-14 year olds. Is it winning to need both your shoulders replaced in your 30’s, as one elite gymnast I met had to?

Since many kids hate the pressure, are only local team quality, or don’t get much playing time, by age 13, 73% drop out of sports. Ironically, the resulting lack of exercise may be contributing to America’s obesity epidemic.

Contemporary parents know that self-esteem is intimately tied to happiness. Yet focusing on activities rather than on the child as an individual often makes him or her feel, "I must not be very good at all or I wouldn’t need constant self-improvement." Parental scrutiny and over-scheduling can also create a self-fulfilling prophecy: After all, the child resents the parents’ lack of faith in them and, to get even, may live down to that expectation!

How does the stress manifest itself? Kids complain of stomachaches, headaches, and exhaustion. I think that the pressure to accomplish -- rather than to develop whom you are and to discover what you yourself value – is a factor in why so many teenagers have these symptoms.

They may mask a depression or despondency. Some kids become rebellious, taking alcohol as a way to relieve emotional distress, or illicit substances to escape into drug-induced daydreams. Luthar and Becker (2002) found that teen-aged drug use was likely associated with the “overemphasis on achievement.” As one depressed, substance-abusing patient of mine told me, “In my family it is Harvard, Yale or nothing and I just can’t measure up.” Another wondered why he couldn’t just play sports for fun.

Anxiety is also a concern. Close to 9% of affluent teenagers – the ones who get the greatest measure of our society’s financial advantages -- suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, overanxious disorder, excessive shyness, panic disorders, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, not counting the many who have eating disorders.

Does hyper-parenting give kids the good life? Some empirical evidence suggests that the “winning is everything” notion emphasizes values that may result in exactly the opposite. For over a quarter of a century, Vaillant (2002) has been conducting longitudinal studies of people’s lives. Two variables that seem to predict a good life include meaningful relationships and enjoying playing without goals.

Vaillant’s findings parallel what I see in clinical practice. First, relationships make all the difference. Acceptance brings out the best in everyone; anxiety the worst. If someone loves and trusts you, and you have a capacity to love and trust them back, your whole life is better. But over-scheduling introduces stresses into family life that can compromise intimacy.

In no way am I suggesting that parental acceptance should translate into “anything goes.” Devoted parents need to push their kids some; our communities and country have been very generous to us. Children need to know that their parents expect them to repay the full measure of that debt by making something of their lives. But within the context of a supportive relationship, it is the children – not their parents -- who have to do the very hard work of figuring out what they hope to become. There is great value in that! That way kids can feel like the authors of their lives, rather than like marionettes in someone else’s play.

What about the creativity and innovation, which the pundits say are crucial for our future economic success? Einstein maintained, “Imagination is more useful than knowledge.” Yet the hyper-parenting mentality devalues creativity by treating children’s uniqueness and imagination as less precious than athletic awards. We criticize our kids when they just want to lollygag and fault ourselves for not finding more for them to do.

But parenting is a higher calling than being a cruise ship’s activities director! Perhaps more importantly – and in what comes as a surprise to many parents -- boredom can actually be beneficial; it can stimulate kids to hear the soft murmurings of their inner voice, the one that makes them write this unusual story or draw that unique picture.

That creativity is critical. America’s economic success is based on people who bucked conventional wisdom, followed their inner passions, tinkered, and created, people like Alexander Graham Bell, David Packard, Matt Groening and college dropouts Michael Dell and Bill Gates.  We’re lucky that Alexander Graham Bell was not as over-scheduled as our kids. If he had been, we might still be using carrier pigeons to communicate!

Good schools often fail to recognize truly creative kids. One young man desperately wanted to make films. He applied to UCLA’s prestigious film program: Rejected! So he went to Long Beach State. Later he applied to USC’s film program. Rejected again! But he was tenacious. His name, Steven Spielberg!

And some kids don’t peak in high school! Not very long ago, another young man did so poorly in his New Jersey high school that he was told that at best, he was a junior college kind of kid. His family had little money, so he went to a local junior college and -- to support himself -- became a part-time firefighter. At junior college, a history course turned him on; he began to work at school, to learn, and to succeed. His name is Brian Williams, the NBC news anchor.

Another factor may be even more critical in child rearing: The NAJA Slogan wisely says, "Care Today - Character Tomorrow." Perfect, but does the current hyper-parenting culture support that ideal?

 I think not. All too often, public accolades – a child winning the soccer trophy or spelling bee – are treated as the true measure of the person. But that attitude ignores a fundamental adult responsibility, teaching children character. Kids with character stand out. I bet you recognize them the moment you see them.

How do kids acquire that character? No kid I know listens to what his or her parents say. I certainly didn’t! Intelligent children watch what their parents do. Does a parent’s life live up to the high ideals NAJA advocates? Do parents treat others with dignity? Do they – like you -- dedicate some of their time to the less fortunate? Do they kowtow to wealth and station or value people of character, rich and poor alike? Do they drive home tipsy after a party? Do they strive to be close to friends and to get balance in their lives? Do they make time for pleasure? Do they read books and love to learn? Do they truly listen to what others say and modify their opinion if someone – even a child -- makes a better, more cogent argument?

Every good parent sacrifices plenty but competitive helps no kid I’ve known. To have the energy and good humor parents need to nurture their children, they must have a life too. Yet the stress over-scheduling insinuates into parents’ lives -- combined with intense work pressures – sometimes makes them suffer from the same anxiety, depressive, and stress-related disorders as their children.

Kids whose parents were pleased with their lives do far better. So to raise happier kids, parents need to be encouraged to also enjoy themselves and their spouses more. One of the best things parents can do for their children’s sakes is – metaphorically and literally -- to have more fun in bed!

What can your fine organization do? In setting some of your NAJA programs, you might keep a few principles in mind:

1. Remember that childhood is a preparation not a full performance. Remind parents to resist the pressure to push their child to be almost professional.

2. Encourage over-scheduled families to cut back 5-10% on activities, as National Family Night does. For many families, that translates into just one or two weeknights a month. Families may find that with just that much more down time, life becomes sane again. And if they are believers, help them to resist skipping church for kids’ games: G_d has been around a lot longer than soccer.

3. Help parents to realize that limiting activities does not mean they’re bad parents. It says that they are responsible adults who make hard, sensible choices for their families. That is what is difficult about being a good, nurturing parent. Isn’t that what we are asking our kids to do when we tell them to just say “no” to poisonous temptations?

4. Assure parents that no one-size-fits-all approach makes parenting good. It is a unique balancing act between parents, children, spouses, extended family, friends, child development, and the community at large. Because parents are doing a dance that has never been done quite this way before, they will sometimes feel awkward. That is “the human condition.”

5. Our children are with us for but a brief flicker of time before they become busy with friends, college, jobs, and eventually their own families. Nothing is more valuable than family time. Encourage families to be unproductive, to have time together with no goal, shooting hoops, taking walks, or watching a movie. And with your encouragement, maybe they will make more time to talk and listen to their kids.

Insecure parents need to appreciate that their children need time with Canadian ice hockey coaches far less than they need time with Mom and Dad! Nothing bolsters a pre-teen’s self esteem more than being with parents who enjoy spending time with them with no apparent goal. It stimulates their deep, inner conviction that they don’t have to perform for us to love them. That used to be called unconditional love. Billy Joel captured it: No need for clever conversation. “I love you just the way you are.” Who among us is not looking for that?

Life has never been carefree; childhood and adulthood have always had their anxieties. But living well means enjoying life, working, and loving despite the anxiety that comes with being mortal. That’s not a bad aspiration for you, or me or for our families!

THANK YOU!