The Overlooked Side Effects of Overscheduling Kids, Families
By Jan Dehner
08/01/02

With the roar of a softball game behind her, Karen Jaeger breathed a sigh of relief into the hot, muggy summer air over Riverside Park as she described how this summer's softball season was nearing its end for her two daughters.

Jaeger's daughter, 11-year-old Erica, is getting ready for a 9 p.m. ball game, the last of the season. She plays first base, and dad, Rick, is her coach. Erica, who starts sixth grade at Hoover Middle School this fall, combines softball with three seasons of soccer (on two different teams) Girl Scouts, school and church activities.

"It's just really hectic, running back and forth. One day I had two soccer games and two baseball games. I just go," said Erica, who began playing soccer in first grade, often on two different teams. This fall, she is giving soccer up. "I've been playing it for a long time, so I might not do it for a year, then go back next year, maybe. It's been busy, too busy."

Erica Jaeger

With the exception of a weeklong church camp and a family vacation in late July, August should be relatively quiet for the Jaegers. But by Aug. 26, when the school year starts, a new cycle of activities will begin again for this family and many others like it.

This overactive family lifestyle has been called "hyper-parenting," a term coined by psychiatrist Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld in his book "The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap." In the book, Rosenfeld outlines what happens to the family unit when it tries too hard to over-enrich children, describing the state of perpetual motion both parents and children find themselves in today's busy world.

"The term 'hyper-parent' means that by controlling all our children's activities, they will become successful," said Rosenfeld from his office in New York. "Actually, it's more than a term, it's a way of life." That way of life is familiar to many Siouxland families.

And that could be bad, according to a study by the American Academy of Pediatrics. The study indicated that over-scheduling can lead to increased stress, anxiety and physical ailments.

So what's the average parent to do? While there's no clear-cut answer, there are ways for families to establish time together and to lighten their load.

Meeting Kids' Needs
Like a majority of families in America today, the Jaegers keep a steady calendar of family activities. Filled to the brim with hockey and soccer practices, camps, Scout meetings, church and volunteer activities, and music or dance lessons, today's family life often revolves around getting from one activity to another. It gets worse if those activities include club teams that regularly travel out of state several weekends each season. Meals are consumed in the car, if at all, and getting in touch with your kids becomes more a case of reaching them on the cell phone than having a heart to heart talk.

"Parents are so into making sure that kids have every opportunity in the world," said Beth Harms, vice president of family services at the Boys and Girls Home and Family Services in Sioux City. "Parents are trying to meet all their kids' needs, but while they are doing it, they lose quality."

Jeff Hackett

Many parents would argue that by involving their children in a variety of different activities, they are providing opportunities for growth and development, increasing self- esteem, and expanding social circles. Jeff Hackett, a father of four active children from Sioux City, said that while the need for self-esteem is important in a child's life, it could become meaningless. "I think, while self esteem is important, we seem to give kids accolades for just showing up," said Hackett.

"I think we've gone really overboard about self-esteem. If everyone pats you on the back when all you did was show up, that isn't doing anyone any good, particularly that child."

Hackett and his wife, Connie, have two older sons, ages 25 and 23, a 12-year-old son, Mitchell, and 15-year-old daughter, Marie. The Hackett's have made a shift in their approach to being involved in too much, letting their younger children make reasonable choices about favorite activities and giving up others. But they know many families who choose to try to do it all. Connie Hackett said often families don't see it as a problem.

"They love it, it's part of their lives," she said.

Other parents say there have been times when their family was split between three different states watching three different soccer games, all in one weekend. "But I wouldn't have missed it for the world," said one parent.

Karen Jaeger talks through a fence to her husband, Rick, who coaches daughter Erica's softball team. This fall, Erica will give up playing soccer to lighten her schedule.

By involving their children in so much, parents also feel that they are providing opportunities to do what they never could. Karen Jaeger was one of those parents.

"At first I was living part of my life in their lives. I grew up in a single parent house, and my mother was never around. We were never offered any extra-curricular activities," said Jaeger. "I thought I was giving my kids what I never had."

Rosenfeld said that way of thinking is all too common among a generation looking to do more and be more than their parents.

"Our generation gets beat up. We were raised with benign neglect, by parents who weren't too interested," he said. "But now we've gone overboard."

Keeping Kids Out of Trouble
In efforts to ensure their children's success in life, parents seek out every available opportunity for enrichment, whether that is on the athletic field, a stage or concert hall, or even on the playground. Believing in the adage "idle hands make the Devil's work," parents feel they can keep their children out of trouble if they just keep them busy enough. But all this over-scheduling can lead to kids who don't know what to do with free time once they have it, and occasionally, other more serious problems.

Jaeger became acutely aware of this when her daughter began displaying physical manifestations of a stacked schedule.

"I had to take her in to the doctor in March or April because she was coming home with these headaches. She'd had them for about a year," said Jaeger. "I checked her eyes, all the medical things. The doctor said everything was fine. Then he asked her how her day was. She just started sharing all the stuff that goes on, between Girls Scouts, soccer, the games and practices, schoolwork and the classroom. After making sure nothing medical was going on, we decided that she has too much in her schedule. It was just too much for her."

That's when Jaeger and her family also decided to cut back. Letting their children pick and choose favorite activities to participate in, as well as providing plenty of "down time" have worked to create a more manageable schedule, one that fits the Jaeger's needs as a family.

Creating 'Down Time'
"Down time" is essential to a child's creativity, all the way through high school, according to Dr. Mary Beth Satterfield, a licensed psychologist from Sioux City.

"Children need to have unstructured types of play to develop their imaginations," said Satterfield, who serves as mental health consultant for Head Start and the Department of Human Services.

Rosenfeld agrees. "Childhood is for preparation. It's not a performance," he said.

The excess of some activities, including traveling teams, has caused other areas to fall by the wayside. Church services may be one of those victims.

Don Craig

"Sunday evening church is pretty much gone," said Don Craig, associate pastor of student ministries at Central Baptist Church in Sioux City. "Sunday mornings and Wednesdays used to be sacred times. That's not the case anymore. Your high schools, middle schools, clubs, they're taking those times. Five or 10 years ago, no one would plan anything on those times."

Craig said two local groups - Siouxland Youth for Christ and Siouxland Youth Alliance - have tried to combat this issue by coordinating their events. He also said that he has started approaching his youth ministry much as a coach approaches a team.

"I tell (the kids), if they want to be good at this ministry, if they want to be 'on varsity,' then they have to give this much time. You have to treat it like a team," said Craig. "I hear a lot of 'if I miss a practice I won't play.' I give them the choice. Some choose the game or activity, some chose to be involved."

For Jeff Hackett, it's a matter of who is having the greatest influence over his children.

"Many families, ourselves included, sometimes give others the responsibility for raising our children. But the family is the one who transmits values, not team sports, not debate, not choir," he said. "It's more about values, and the lack of time to transmit those values from parent to child."

Overcoming Burnout
Over-scheduling also can lead to early burnout. A 1996 survey of 26,000 American school children by the Youth Sports Institute at Michigan State University found that kids started dropping sports by age 11, and that by age 15, 70 percent had quit their favorite sport. The reason? "No longer fun" and "too much pressure" were at the top of the list. Self-esteem and coping skills had been sapped by stressful schedules and a swift pace.

"I've run into situations with families where youngsters feel underlying pressure," said Satterfield. Although parents don't mean to create the stress, they often fall victim to their own peers. "Sometimes parents get sucked along by other parents," she said.

So how do parents strike an even balance between overload and inattentiveness? Taking a "time out" may be one answer. That's what folks in Ridgewood, N.J., decided to do earlier this year when they got their heads together and actually scheduled one night this past March as Family Night. No homework, no basketball games, no anything. Just peaceful time at home, hanging out with the family. It took a committee of 18 about seven months to plan. While that may be extreme, Rosenfeld offers other tips:

• Set limits. Pick and choose activities carefully, involving children in the decision-making process. Weigh the benefits against the investment of time and energy.
• Build relationships with yourself, your spouse, friends and significant others. Enjoy life outside of your children's activities.
• Be unproductive for a change and allow time for play, that is, unstructured play. That doesn't mean sitting in front of a television for six hours a day. Take a walk, camp, read together or enjoy a board game. Enjoy children for who they are, not how they perform.
• Realize that there is no one correct way to parent. Trust your instincts and find the right fit for your individual family situation.

Above all, don't let activities take the place of real relationships, said Rosenfeld. "If you think back as adults, most will remember fondly the time they spent with their parents without a specific goal in mind," he said. "That's what builds self esteem."

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