By René A. Guzman
Express-News staff writer

Web Posted : 08/24/2001

Chelsea Cormack couldn't do all of the above. Her parents warned her not to get in over her head, no matter how young and invincible she felt.

Chelsea Cormack, an eighth grader at Hobby Middle School, does her best to balance schoolwork with outside activities. She'll try out for the tennis team, write and take pictures for the campus newspaper and yearbook, and sing with the Wayside Chapel youth choir, as well as keep up her grades for the Junior Honor Society. Photo by John Davenport/Express-News

How parents can help Here are some tips to help parents create the right balance for their busy kids. Limit activities. If you say yes to too many activities, the whole family will pay the price. Weigh the benefits of participation against the costs (time, energy, driving around time, stress and expense) to you, your child and the rest of the family. Do as I do. Know that how you live your life in front of your child matters more than how you tell him he ought to be living his. Live the values that are important to you, because your children will emulate your daily conduct when they grow up and go out into the world. Have fun and play games with your children. It is good for parents to spend {ldquo}unproductive{rdquo} time together. Pull out the Monopoly game and play it together as a family. The fact that you, the parent, enjoys spending time with your child with no apparent goal other than the joy of playing together lets her know you find her more interesting than anything else in the world. Everyone's self-esteem gets a boost. Pleasure has a place in parents' lives, too. No child benefits from parents sacrificing their marriage so Johnny can make Saturday night hockey practice every week. Make time for romantic dinners with your partner. It's good if a child knows his parents are happy and are getting pleasure from life and their relationships. Play allows a child to develop as an individual. A child who has time to do nothing may be bored for a short time, but that is the impetus for the child to develop his or her inner life, imagination, creativity and individual sense. Trust yourself. When it comes to your family, you are the expert. Your time with family members is your greatest gift to them. Don't let insecurity rob you of the joy of parenting. Source: Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld and Nicole Wise, authors of {lsquo}The Over-Scheduled Child'

So she made some choices. She would try out again for the tennis team at Hobby Middle School. And write and take pictures for the campus newspaper and yearbook. And sing with the Wayside Chapel youth choir. And keep up her grades for the Junior Honor Society.

That should be plenty. And yet ...

"You want to do so many things but it's kind of hard and ruins some of the activities," says Chelsea, 13. "I try to cut down on leisurely things when I can be practicing or studying for a test. It's a sacrifice, but it works out that way."

Like an increasing number of kids, Chelsea finds herself juggling textbooks, gym bags and extracurricular activities once the bell rings in a new school year. And with classes back in session, now's a good time for kids to get a handle on their overbooked lifestyles.

"If you go through schedules kids have, they go from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m.," says Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, a children's psychiatrist with private practices in New York City and Greenwich, Conn., and co-author of "The Over-Scheduled Child" (St. Martin's Griffin, $13.95).

"That means the capacity to create something of their own often vanishes," he says. "Kids left to 'hang out' sometimes feel like the authors of their own lives. Those who are constantly driven feel like they're living someone else's script."

Consider the daily script of today's student. Statistics show teachers dishing out more loads of homework while school districts increasingly pressure students to raise standardized test scores. Then there's the soccer coach demanding more practice time and more help from the parents. Meanwhile, the kids' transcripts need more extracurricular activities for that college application. Guess who helps out with that?

"It's like the parents have become cruise ship directors and chauffeurs," Rosenfeld says.

Chelsea and her folks almost fell into that stress whirlpool. In addition to those activities listed above, Chelsea also wanted to play basketball, which would've interfered with her choir lessons and Bible study class.

Then she noticed one of her friends involved in every sport practically pulling out her pigtails with stress.

"You want to be the one that can do it all but everyone knows it's not possible," Chelsea adds. "It's like the ones who get closest to it that don't seem to be happy with it. I think (my parents and I) have an understanding. They've taught me since I was little not to overwhelm myself with things."

'Hyper-parenting'

Unfortunately, too many parents overbook their kids with the best of intentions, usually to broaden their child's horizons or to keep up with the Joneses. Problem is, kids don't always care for that kind of attention. According to the 2000 Roper Youth Report, nearly 25 percent of youth ages 8 to 17 surveyed say they don't have enough free time.

Rosenfeld says the problem is "hyper-parenting," where Mom and Pop micromanage every detail of their children's lives in what becomes a relentless pursuit of perfection. That drives kids to burnout before they even get their high school diplomas.

"These parents are challenging their kids to rebel in adolescence," says Rosenfeld, who usually sees overscheduled children as they get into their teen years. "You feel like you're giving them enormous enrichment but you're really denying them the opportunity to enrich themselves. It's all very paradoxical."

Curtis Cormack learned that lesson when his son Chad had a mini-meltdown about five years ago. Chad was about his sister Chelsea's age, bridging the awkward gap from elementary to middle school. "He was playing all the sports and competing in academic competitions," Curtis recalls. "Then he just got tired."

"In junior high I played three sports a year," says Chad, now 17. "Constantly, after school it was sports. It can be a bit stressful not having time to do anything but that, but I enjoyed it all."

Since then, Chad has followed his parents' advice — create a balance that works best for him. That's why Chad's senior year at Clark High School will just include baseball, the Future Problem Solving club, a place on the National Honor Society and a part-time job mowing lawns.

"I don't have a desire to get involved in much really," he says, almost deadpan.

Whether your kids strive to shine above the status quo or are content to keep up with it, it's a good idea to encourage them to take part in extracurricular activities — to a point.

"If the family sees (children) becoming isolated, then it's a good time to find something they're interested in and have them join a club or get a job after school, to gently push them into more social activities," says Dr. Steven Pliszka, chief of child psychiatry at the University of Texas Health Science Center.

Pliszka says it's OK if your child wants to try several activities at once and initiates that, but pay attention to your child's attitude, grades and sleep. If any or all of those suffer, it's time to intervene.

Curtis Cormack, who's a fund-raiser and PTA president at Chad's high school, says he makes sure that coaches, educators and parents provide a healthy infrastructure that's not about overachieving.

"If you experience some failure you learn from that," he says. "To over-excel at everything is what causes that burnout. If (coaches, teachers and parents) are all intense on the child, you're going to have a problem because the kid is not going to have a place to take refuge."

As much as Chelsea enjoys finding things to do during the school year, she says she chooses her activities for fun, not competitiveness. Rosenfeld says that's the best barometer kids can use to script their daily adventures.

"Childhood is preparation," he says. "It's not meant to be a full adult performance."

raguzman@express-news.net

08/24/2001