DON'T FALL INTO THE HYPER-PARENTING TRAP
BYLINE: An Mercado Alcantara
ONE of the gifts that come innately with being a parent is the ability to do
a dozen things at the same time.
Yesterday, I rushed out of a meeting with my boss shortly before five, to
race through rain-induced traffic to pick up the daughter and be at the doctor's
office before the line got too long.
While stewing in traffic, I made the calls I couldn't make at the office, ran
through the agenda of a meeting I was scheduled to have at seven that evening,
and talked to my cook about what she had prepared for dinner that night (my
sister-in-law was dropping by for dinner and I didn't want to serve leftovers).
I asked the daughter to wait for me in the driveway so that I could simply
scoop her off the curb and continue on the race to the clinic. I anticipated a
wait of not shorter than 20 minutes before we could see her doctor, so I lugged
my laptop into the waiting room and finished off some editing work, even as I
helped the daughter plan her birthday party this Saturday.
I began hyperventilating when the waiting time stretched to longer than half
an hour, I was afraid I would be late for my dinner meeting. Sensing my
agitation, my daughter said: "Looks like you planned for too much today and
expect to do them all." The wisdom of a 12-year-old caught me off guard again.
Continuing pressure
This life of pressure and perpetual motion is what authors Alvin Rosenfeld,
M.D. and Nicole Wise call hyper-parenting. In the book "Hyper-Parenting: Are You
Hurting Your Child By Trying Too Hard?" (Published by St Martin's Press and
available at Power Books), Rosenfeld and Wise point out that although we all
have the best intentions for our children, wanting them to have the best and
working to the bone to give these to them, may not be worth it at all.
Hyper-parenting makes us "feel tired and inadequate because no matter how
much we have already done we could always be doing more. Guilt and anxiety
become our constant companion. It's too demanding a way to live, And it doesn't
make our kids, the one we are doing it all for, feel so great either. They feel
anxious about needing so much, annoyed that we resent them for needing it, and
perplexed about how to make us happy-which, when you come right down to it,
really ought not to be their job."
Meaning in life
The way we organize our entire lives around our children's schedules and
requirements may be unselfish, but it is not really good-for them or for us. As
many working moms experience, the more we try to take full control, the more
things fall from our hands. We may juggle two or three balls, but more than that
and you'll be caught holding nothing at all. What makes us want to do so much?
In a way, we have subconsciously put on our children the responsibility of
giving meaning to our lives. Rosenfeld and Wise say this "is a heavy, long-tern
burden our children did not ask for."
As you plan your schedule today, and for the rest of the week, catch
yourself. If you are making your children alone the reason for your being, you
may be headed the wrong way down the road. "Finding meaning in life is hard, yet
it is something we each, individually, must struggle to do." Schedule in some
time for you.
As I tucked the daughter into bed last night, she thanked me for taking her
to the doctor. Then she said: "Why don't you take a week off just by yourself-no
work, no kids." I just might take her advice.
(An Mercado-Alcantara is editor in chief of Metro Working Mom published by
ABS-CBN Publishing. Email the author at An_Alcantara@abs.pinoycentral.com)
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