PUBLISHED THURSDAY, AUGUST 7, 2003

The game of family life

Spending quality time together takes consistency and a little patience

Jahna Jacobson
@PensacolaNewsJournal.com

It's a bad habit for many families.

The minute you walk in the door, the TV comes on. People scatter to different rooms, nuke meals at different times, run in and out to practices and errands and before you know it, another evening is gone and the only words you have said to each other are, "Good night."

When kids go back to school, the days seems to shrink, and family time is at a premium.

"It's harder during the school year," said Gulf Breeze mom Samantha Rine. "You have activities, homework, meetings. It's tough to have that time together."

Rine said she and her husband, Doug, decided early on that family time would be a priority, but it is still a challenge for both of them to get time with their children, Holly, 8, and Grayson, 5.

"When Holly was a baby, we knew we both decided we wanted that stability and something to count on," Rine said. "Everybody says the more family time you have, the less likely (the kids) are to go astray later on."

Kids who have a structured home life and time with family generally have an easier time in school, agreed Garth Grove, coordinator for guidance services for the Escambia County School District. One of the most important things you can do is have a schedule that stays consistent, he said. Especially for younger children, this lends a feeling of security and predictability.

"It's hard as an adult with so many things going on - especially for single parents," Grove said. "The earlier you start them with a pattern, the better."

When a child is having trouble at school - whether behavioral or academic - quality time is one of the first issues discussed with parents, Grove said. And frequently, it is the last as well. Students react positively very quickly when parents develop and stick with a structured schedule.

"Have a structured meal time, whether you fix a meal or go out," Grove said. "Consistency really has a lot of benefits."

Rine said she and her husband make it a priority to have family dinner nightly.

"We just moved over the summer, and at our old house, you could see the TV from the eating area," Rine said. "Now the TV is in a different room. It's easier to keep it separate, and I don't think they miss it."

During the year, the family also has game night, family activities such as trips to the Gulf Island National Seashore on the weekends, and, to make sure the TV doesn't feel neglected, family movie nights.

The Rines also participated in the City of Gulf Breeze's first "Family Night" in May. City officials asked those in its estimated 2,000 households to turn off their TVs, computers and just hang out and enjoy their families for one night.

City officials said this week there are plans for another Family Night, but no date has been set.

Finding time for quality time

With only so many hours in a day, you have to make the most of the few that lie between work and school and bedtime.

Don't touch that remote! Try to break the habit of turning on the TV the moment you walk into the house. It is much harder to turn it off than to leave it off. Set a time when the TV can come on.

Homework has to be done. But so do paying bills, reading the paper or writing notes. Set aside family time every day for everybody to get their paperwork done. You spend time together and make time together in one fell swoop.

Ask specific questions. Specific questions will generate conversation. Try "What did you talk about in science today?" or "Who won the recess kickball game?" rather than, "How was your day?"

Know who they know. Keep track of specific friends and ask your child about them.

Kids need to unwind, too. Don't start hounding them with questions on the car ride home. Give everyone in the family some time to decompress before demanding quality time.

Share something about your day. You don't want to burden your kids with the lecture you got from the boss, but maybe you saw something funny during the commute or got a funny e-mail. Let them know sharing is a two-way street.

Schedule activities. It's not going to happen if you don't plan. Mark your calender for a night of games, a classic movie or family outing.

Keep it low stress. There are going to be occasional nights when the family is really better off vegging in front of the tube. Don't try to force nonstop family fun.

Need help slowing down?

Here are some resources that can help you rethink the time you are spending (and not spending) with your family:

"Putting Family First: Successful Strategies for Reclaiming Family Life in a Hurry-Up World," by William Doherty and Barbara Carlson.

"The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap," by Alvin Rosenfeld, M.D.; Nicole Wise; and Robert Coles.

"Quality Time Anytime!: How to Make the Most of Every Moment With Your Child," by Penny Warner.