April/May 2000

Offspring Q & A:
Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld
A noted Child Psychiatrist has a message for stressed-out parents: Chill!

Q: In your new book "Hyper-Parenting: Are You Hurting Your Child by Trying Too Hard?" you and your co-author Nicole Wise warn parents that they are putting too much pressure on their kids. How do you define hyper-parenting?
Hyper-Parenting is the relentless and continuous pursuit of activities and possessions we think our kids need for us to be good parents. It's the idea that everything has to be done to get to a particular point - usually our child's acceptance to an Ivy League college - and that we have to be willing to sacrifice everything for it, including our personal lives and our lives with our spouses.

What are the results of hyper-parenting?
This life of pressure and perpetual motion is giving us a generation-wide headache. It makes us feel tired and inadequate, because no matter how much we have already done, we could always be doing more. Guilt and anxiety become our constant companions. And it doesn't make our kids feel so great either. They feel anxious about needing so much, annoyed that we resent them for needing it and perplexed about how to make us happy -- which, when you come right down to it, really ought not to be their job. 

Why is this?
In our culture of celebrity, you're either a star or you're not. And if you're not, you're nothing, zip, zero. What ends up happening is that kids feel parents don't care about them as people, but as producers. Kids feel the only way to pay parents back for their sacrifices is through their accomplishments. But if kids have to become producers, then they're going to be more self-centered, and they're going to have trouble with their self-esteem.

What role does the media play?
We're being bombarded by the media, especially with the newsmagazines with their scientific studies. Every piece of research gets touted as a fundamental finding parents have to follow. Science has become a religion, and statistics is its bible. But the scientific research stinks.

How can you apply the brakes?
First, you have to look at your weekly schedule and see what can be eliminated. Ask yourself what you're doing because your kid wants to do it and what you're doing because some expert says it's important. There's got to be something you can cut out. And once you do, you'll all be less stressed. Then consider the time you and your spouse spend alone. Kids desperately want their parents to be happy. If you're unhappy, they feel responsible. If you go out to dinner with your spouse on a Saturday night and you come home and have sex and the next morning you're in a happier mood - your kid likes that. Finally you need to ask yourself: What kind of kid am I hoping to raise? Does all this running around make sense? Children whose every moment is scheduled and structured may have difficulty learning to be alone and at peace with themselves. And that may be the highest price we pay.
- Nancy Marx Better (photo by Ashkan Sahihi)

Dr. Rosenfeld has taught at Harvard and Columbia and headed Stanford's child psychiatry training program. He practices in New York City and in Greenwich, Connecticut, where he lives with his wife and three children.