WHEN my son was 8 years old, he wanted to play ice hockey. The day he asked about it was the day he learned an important truth.

"Paul," I said to his sweet, upturned face, "I am not that good a mother."

It was true. I was completely unwilling to get up at 4:30 a.m. to drive him to the closest ice rink. I refused to sit on freezing benches for hours on end. I could not deal with numb fingers tying up skate laces. Let me make this clear -- this wasn't about the good of my child; that I didn't want an overtired third-grader or that I was worried about him getting injured. It was purely selfish; I was simply not willing to make the sacrifice required for this activity.

Before angry ice hockey parents pick up their pens to let me know how the sport has built their offspring's character, self-esteem and physical prowess, and to reinforce what an uncaring mother I must be, a few caveats. First, hockey parents do not have a premium on sacrifice. Private lessons for aspiring figure skaters begin at 5:30 a.m. at the Westchester Skating Academy.

Kristina Lindbergh, who lives in Yorktown, says that as a mother of two committed ballerinas, she will put her time and odometer up against soccer moms anytime. Daily classes, private lessons, the Nutcracker rehearsals and intensive ballet camps are all part of the ballet mom gig.

Of course there is nothing wrong with supporting your children and their talents. Parents sacrifice all the time -- their finances, their time and their sleep. That's as it should be. We all want what's best for our children. But at what point can you say no without guilt? There has been a great deal of attention to the plight of the over-scheduled child, but even that argument is child-centric. If it's not good for little Ryan to play three sports in one season, maybe that's a good reason to cut back. But how about Ryan's exhausted mother, who has essentially set up a kitchen and changing room in her S.U.V. to accommodate Ryan's schedule? What if it's too much for her, even if Ryan is having a ball?

Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, a psychiatrist who has written a book called "The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap," (St. Martin's Press) said that martyrdom has become the new model for good mothering. "There's enormous social pressure about the way you're suppose to behave, so that if you 're not signing your child up for travel hockey or soccer, you're just a hair's breadth away from child abuse."

Too much sacrifice can breed resentment on the part of the parent, Dr. Rosenfeld said. And that, in turn, is not great for the kid. First, you have children picking up on the fact that Mom or Dad might be feeling a bit less than gracious about turning their own lives upside down to accommodate their child's hectic schedule. And second, you have a generation of children being raised with the meta-message that they are the center of the universe.

If the plight of the parents doesn't move you, the effect on the kids might. Not only do we not want to raise a group of selfish little beasts, but also Dr. Rosenfeld suggests that children who grow up this way are likely to feel enormous pressure to succeed. If they don't meet expectations -- and not everyone can be the best -- many of these children pay the price in guilt, depression and anxiety. On some level, they, too, know things are out of whack.

There are several national movements to try to restore the balance of households. They go by names like "Family Life First," "National Family Life," "Take Back Your Day" and "Putting Family First." But really, all it calls for is a little common sense.

Margaret Atkinson, of Chappaqua, has said no to both skating and tennis lessons offered to her daughters at 7:30 p.m. It was the idea of dinner in the car that was the deal breaker; she likes a family meal around the table.

"I chose sanity," Mrs. Atkinson said. "I wanted my children to see more than the back of their mother's head in the car. Why does it have to be an activity? Why is it not considered child-centered to sit across from our children at dinner?"