April 29, 2003

The trap of hyper-parenting
By Manveet Kaur

WHILE many children today enjoy their endless whirl of lessons, games and practices, a growing number find that the hyper-scheduled life of a modern Malaysian student is more than they can handle.

But can we blame them? These days, not only do parents expect their children to make good grades, but also to be computer literate, excel in sports and to shine in a particular area such as music or dance, sometimes even both.

To achieve these ends, many children often go directly from classes to after-school appointments without a rest period and with only a quick snack in the car.

Unfortunately, these activities meant to enrich the children's lives can leave them feeling burned out or dangerously overloaded.

This overactive family lifestyle has been called "hyper-parenting," a term coined by psychiatrist Dr Alvin Rosenfeld in his book The Over- Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap. In the book, Rosenfeld outlines what happens to the family unit when it tries too hard to over- enrich children. Parents and children find themselves in a state of perpetual motion in today's busy world.

"The term hyper-parent' means that by controlling all our children's activities, they will become successful," says Rosenfeld. "Actually, it's more than a term, it's a way of life."

And that could be bad, according to a study by the American Academy of Pediatrics. The study indicated that over-scheduling can lead to increased stress, anxiety and physical ailments.

So how can parents tell if their child is approaching burnout? Parents can't tell if a child is maxed out by looking at a list of the child's activities - they have to look at the child. Children under stress exhibit a wide range of symptoms from headaches, asthma attacks to nail-biting and sleeping problems. Experts note that different children have different thresholds for stress, and that what is too much for one child may not be enough for another.

Shirley Minster, an expert in recognising and dealing with educational burnout, says that anger is the first common emotion for a child in burnout to manifest because he is struggling with self and those around him. He is less adept at verbalising his feelings and anger erupts first, before words can be spoken in a rational manner. Flinging himself on the floor in a tantrum, throwing objects, abusing animals or people, acting out, and talking back are all possible demonstrations of this anger.

Defiance is the second sign of burnout, Minster explains. It is based on the child's perception of adult control. He refuses to do schoolwork or anything that is expected by the teacher because he believes that his teacher is trying to control him He refuses to complete chores at home, using passive resistance or outright defiance. He may also start using drugs or alcohol as a way to show his independence and control.

The third sign is intense sadness. Along with sorrow, the child may eat less, eat more, stop showing any emotion, or cry at the drop of a hat. He may talk about how lonely he is or say that nobody understands him at all. He may shrug his shoulders and mutter, "What's the use? Nobody cares anyway." It is even possible that he will exhibit elective mutism and stop talking for a long time. This is not manipulation on his part, but a coping mechanism, so it is important not to try to force him to talk. Drug or alcohol abuse and suicide may be the end result of depression.

So how do parents strike an even balance between overload and inattentiveness? While there's no clear-cut answer, there are ways for families to establish time together and to lighten their load. For example, taking a "time out" may be one answer. Rosenfeld offers other tips:

• Set limits. Pick and choose activities carefully, involving children in the decision-making process. Weigh the benefits against the investment of time and energy.

• Build relationships with yourself, your spouse, friends and significant others. Enjoy life outside of your children's activities.

• Be unproductive for a change and allow time for play, that is, unstructured play. That doesn't mean sitting in front of a television for six hours a day. Take a walk, camp, read together or enjoy a board game. Enjoy children for who they are, not how they perform.

• Realise that there is no one correct way to parent. Trust your instincts and find the right fit for your individual family situation.

• Above all, don't let activities take the place of real relationships, says Rosenfeld. "If adults reflect on their childhood, most will remember fondly the time they spent with their parents without a specific goal in mind," he said. "That's what builds self esteem."

As a reminder, this column is being written to draw attention to the issues concerning parenting, and should not be relied upon as medical advice and is not intended to replace the advice of your child's physician.