With one child in elementary school, one in junior high and one in high
school, the Rockwell family of Flower Mound keeps a busy schedule during
the school year. Luke, 9, has chess club on Mondays. On Tuesdays and
Thursdays, Luke and his older brother, Chad, 13, have baseball for two
hours. On Wednesday there are drum lessons for Chad and church youth
group for him and his older sister, Amanda, 15. Saturday, there is at
least one baseball game for each boy and group gymnastics lessons for
Amanda. On Sunday, it's church and baseball practices.
Somewhere in there, they occasionally squeeze in private batting lessons
for both boys. Luke recently gave up piano, Chad took karate until he
earned his black belt, and Amanda used to take dance, city cheerleading,
soccer and piano.
"I like to try to expose them to a lot of things," says mom Lynn
Rockwell.
The three McGraw boys of Lakewood keep an equally busy schedule. On
Tuesdays, mom Hilary McGraw takes Nick, 9, to reading tutoring, then
takes Harry, 10, to group tennis lessons and sometimes drives Sam, 11,
to a baseball game in Garland. Wednesdays include lugging Sam's electric
guitar and amp to school for his 4 p.m. lesson, taking Nick to tae kwon
do at 4:30 p.m., taking Sam to baseball practice at 6 p.m. and Harry to
baseball practice a half-hour later.
MICHAEL AINSWORTH / DMN
Nick McGraw, 9, takes classes at Dallas Academy of Martial Arts to
learn tae kwon do. His mother, Hilary McGraw, has to juggle the
schedule of three sons.
"Thank goodness for cellphones and for mechanical pencils so kids can do
homework in the car," she says.
Nurturing a child's natural talents and trying to discover hidden ones
have been considered aspects of good parenting for ages. As options for
children have increased over the last 20 years, so has the fervor of
parents searching for the best lessons. Many choices once reserved for
older kids are now available for preschoolers.
The benefits are heard often: lessons promote self-esteem and
accomplishment; group lessons and sports promote teamwork and
cooperation; and activities keep kids out of trouble. But as schedules
get busier, parents are torn between providing as many enrichment
opportunities as possible and trying to have more "down time" at home.
Experienced parents sometimes wonder, "Am I doing the right thing?" and
"If my child wants to quit, should I let him?" New parents often ask,
"How soon should we start?" and "How should we choose?"
When to start
Parents may want to take a tip from Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, child
psychiatrist and co-author of The Over-Scheduled Child (St.
Martin's Griffin, $13.95). Don't start too early.
Today, that can be tough for a parent to resist. "Our society is so
hyper about creating super-achievers, they're starting classical music
appreciation lessons while a kid's still in the womb," says Dr.
Rosenfeld.
He cites the media's glorification of celebrities as fueling this trend.
When parents see that Britney Spears and Tiger Woods began at a very
young age, they think their child also might be a superstar someday if
they just start early enough.
Some parents already are worrying about getting their child into the
right college – nevermind the right preschool – when she's still in
diapers. "It's ridiculous," says Dr. Rosenfeld. "It's not fair to put
that kind of pressure on a young child."
Increased pressure isn't the only concern when starting children too
early.
"It's scandalous what some sports are doing to kids' bodies," he says,
adding that orthopedic surgeons are seeing an increase in
recreation-linked injuries nationwide among kids as young as 5.
And there's another downside to beginning lessons at such an early age:
If kids have difficulty learning the skills because they're not
developmentally ready, it could turn them off that activity for many
years. Kim Wells of Richardson, the mother of two boys and a girl, says
starting her oldest son at baseball too early quashed his enthusiasm for
the sport.
"He was 5 when he started [T-ball], and he didn't like it at all. He
thought it was too boring. He's never wanted to participate in baseball
again until recently, but now that he's 13, it's too late. He wouldn't
have the skills of his teammates."
Dr. Rosenfeld agrees that some basic skills, such as swimming lessons,
are best taught at a young age for safety's sake. And research has shown
that early childhood is the best time for learning languages.
How to choose
In his book, Positive Pushing (Hyperion, $14.95, paperback), Dr.
Jim Taylor says that ideally, children should be involved in activities
in which they have shown an interest. "All you need to do is provide the
necessary resources and support, and your child will take care of the
rest," he says.
Child-driven motivation made it easy for the McGraws to decide where to
steer their boys. "They have loved sports from day one," says Mrs.
McGraw. "We try to expose them to every sport as the seasons allow ...
in elementary school, that's when some kids will get their only shot at
playing some of these sports. In middle school, they have tryouts, and
they may not get to play."
Other times, parents have to do the suggesting. A good starting place is
activities that interest the parents. "Sharing your particular passion
with your child will enrich him or her forever," say Dr. Rosenfeld and
co-author Nicole Wise in The Over-Scheduled Child.
But don't limit their exposure to only those activities in which you
have knowledge and experience, Dr. Taylor says. Think about your values
and what might offer your child new and enriching experiences.
MILTON HINNANT / DMN
Junior Girl Scouts Jessica Edsall, 9, (left), and Amy Bagby and Marisa
Martinez, both 10, work on crafts.
Mrs. McGraw knew her youngest might like tae kwon do even though he'd
never expressed an interest. "I thought it would be good for him
physically, since he was not well-coordinated or strong." She says it's
been all that and more. "He was willing to try it, and he's loved it,"
she says. "It's really built up his confidence. And the staff instantly
helped him feel like he belonged."
But what if your child isn't motivated to try anything?
John Rosemond, psychologist, renowned speaker, syndicated columnist and
author of numerous parenting books, says that if a child just wants to
come home after school and play, that's OK.
"As long as it's not video games or absorbing himself in other
electronic media, that should be honored, unless the child is having
difficulty making friends," he says. "The child's ability to be a kid,
to kick back and relax, doesn't have to be sacrificed for the
after-school schedule."
Dr. Taylor writes that when parents want to introduce their children to
something, external rewards can be used to motivate them as long as the
rewards are temporary.
Sometimes it can be motivating, not to mention fun, when a parent learns
a skill with the child. Many dance studios offer adult classes; some
area piano teachers have both kids and parents on their rolls.
But experts say forcing a child to participate in something does more
damage than good. It can hurt a child's self-esteem and self-confidence,
affect performance and create a dislike of the activity.
Do your homework
It's smart to do research before saying yes to lessons. Some activities
take more time, require more equipment and cost more than you may
realize.
One of Mrs. McGraw's sons wanted to play ice hockey. "He skated backward
the first time he ever put on skates," she says. But, after checking
into it, they decided it wasn't feasible for their family. "It became
clear to me that when you play ice hockey, you don't do anything else,"
says Mrs. McGraw.
When you can, sample an activity before diving in headfirst. Start your
child off with 30-minute piano lessons instead of an hour. Buy used tap
shoes instead of new. See if a sports team can hold a "trial practice"
before you sign up.
How many? How often?
Many families have developed guidelines. "We have four children and each
gets to do one thing," says Sheri Bagby of Forney. "And we let them
choose only those things which happen once per week, like a piano
lesson. We can't afford the time or cost of each child doing an activity
that meets three times each week."
Kathleen Roan of Richardson, who also has four children, saves many
activities for summer. "Summer is a great time to try things we haven't
had time for during the school year," she says.
Mrs. Rockwell, the Flower Mound mother of three, says she and her
husband, Dave, decide how many choices to offer on a
semester-by-semester basis, depending on the kids' interests, their
academic standing and the potential weekly schedule. "We can't let them
choose initially because we can't be in three places at one time," she
says.
In his book, Dr. Taylor tells a story of one family whose rule of thumb
for each child was ''one activity that we want you to do, and one
activity that you want to do."
Experts recommend limiting activities to avoid the casualties of
over-scheduling: stressed marriages where spouses have little free time
together; not enough time for families to just "hang out;" little
unstructured time for kids to daydream and create; a limited time for
homework or sleep; and a child who thinks the world revolves around him.
When to quit
Once parents are certain they've picked the right activities and
expended time, energy and money, it can come as a blow when children
complain about practicing or announce they want to quit. For Mr.
Rosemond, the answer is simple: "Let them quit." He says he's seen no
negative effects from this, such as raising a perpetual quitter, among
clients or his own children.
He does make one exception: when the child's activity has required a
significant financial investment for parents. "If you purchase $250 of
requested lacrosse equipment, and two weeks later the child says I want
to quit, then I think parents should say, 'If you quit, you owe us $250,
or finish the season and you won't owe us.' " He says an even larger
investment, such as a piano, should mean the child takes lessons as long
as they are under your roof. As for quitting team sports, he used to
tell his son that he would have to tell the coach himself.
Single parent Gabriel Meadows of Richardson has encouraged his son,
Mark, 16, in piano since he was 3. Though Mark sometimes wanted to quit,
Mr. Meadows insisted he continue once Mark began taking formal lessons
at age 6. "We shouldn't let kids make decisions about music or any other
area where there's talent or a family history for talent, when you see
there's a propensity for the child to do well," he says. "I told him
there was no discussion on lessons until he turns 18. Then he can
decide." However, Mr. Meadows did allow Mark to pursue his first love –
sports. He still plays basketball, football and runs track.
Mark, who was accepted into Dallas ISD's Booker T. Washington High
School for the Performing and Visual Arts last fall, now enjoys playing
the piano. He earns money teaching piano and has a steady job as a
church pianist and playing "gigs" around town. Mark is planning to study
music in college.
Dr. Taylor says there's always going to be frustration and
discouragement in the early stages of learning anything new, and that a
child must be pushed to get through the initial unpleasantness. After
that, a parent should find out why a child wants to quit and help him
decide if the problem can be solved or not.
But sometimes it's the parent who has to call it quits when he finds his
child or family snowed under by a storm of never-ending activities. That
can be the toughest task for a parent these days, in the midst of
pressure from coaches, instructors and even other parents.
Doctors Rosenfeld and Taylor and Mr. Rosemond all think parents
should take a hard look at their values. Questions to ask include: What
character traits do they wish their child to have? Must their child
become a superstar, or what if he's happy being an inventor, business
owner, accomplished carpenter or preschool teacher? Do they consider joy
integral to a good life? Do they want kids to develop the skills to be
independent and self-sufficient? Do they want children to learn how to
be alone and at peace with themselves? Do parents want kids to value
family and other relationships?
"I'm not saying not to have activities. It's all about
balance," says Dr. Rosenfeld.
These costs are from private facilities in Dallas-Fort Worth. Many city
recreational centers offer these at less cost, and other providers
charge more. Some private instructional facilities, such as country
clubs, have lessons open to the public. Many activities also offer
chances to perform and compete, which require more time and money.
PIANO (private lessons): $90-$110 a month for a weekly
45-minute lesson.
ICE SKATING (group lessons): $45-$50 per month; one
lesson per week and can include skate rental; some require additional
individual practices at $2.50 per practice.
DANCE (group lessons – ballet, tap, jazz, hip-hop):
enrollment fee $30; $45-$50 a month for a weekly 45-minute class. Recital fee
(covers venue rental): $35-$50; costume fee: $45-$70.
GYMNASTICS (group lessons): $60-$70 a month, one class
per week; $30 registration fee.
VIOLIN (private lessons): $120 a month, one weekly
45-minute lesson.
TAE KWON DO (group lessons): $85-$99 a month for two to
eight lessons per week; $30-$99 for sign-up package (may include
uniform, patches, T-shirt and instructional DVD); protective equipment,
$100-$150.
TENNIS (group lessons): $75-$200 a month, one weekly
45-50-minute class (city recreational center classes are about half this
cost).
DRAMA-ACTING (group lessons): $100-$145 a month; one
weekly two-hour class.
E-mail
texasliving@dallasnews.com
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