Hyper Parents Need to Chill

o arrest me for child abuse. I haven't signed my kids up for summer camp.

Or Gymboree. Or Wee Sing. Or Advanced Calculus for Would-Be Geniuses Under Age 5. My kids are going to spend the summer playing in the park — or not playing, poking pebbles down the sewer.

Luckily, the latest wave of parental advice-givers say I'm doing the right thing. They also say it's time to start ignoring all the parental advice.

"The entire middle class now reads articles trumpeting the premise that all children can be far superior if we parents take their development very seriously and foster it actively," write Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld and Nicole Wise in "Hyper-Parenting: Are You Hurting Your Child By Trying Too Hard?" (Answer: yes.)

They're referring to things like Newsweek's big special issues on child rearing. And 2 million articles on how listening to Mozart makes kids mathematical (since disputed). And an entire wing of Barnes & Noble devoted to books like "From Sandbox to Stanford in 718 Easy Steps."

"What we parents really need," the "Hyper" authors say, "is a reminder that no one ever gets it all just right — and that most children turn out well anyway."

Yes, even a child who doesn't start piano lessons at the optimal time (now pinpointed between ages 3 and 4) may end up creatively fulfilled. A guy named Leonard Bernstein didn't start playing till he was 10.

This new plea for parents to chill is even coming from some of the erstwhile offenders — i.e., parenting magazines. The upscale bi-monthly Offspring touts an article on its current cover, "Why Boredom Is Good For Your Kids." At Redbook, editor Lesley Jane Seymour says she's running more and more articles "against what I call 'the tyranny of the perfect parent'" — parents trying to provide every opportunity for their kids (not to mention wholesome snack foods).

"We all want our kids to be accomplished," says Seymour, "but we're not realizing that giving them all these classes and exposing them to everything at so early an age may not make them happier."

Often, it just makes them tired. Worse, some perfectly cool kids end up feeling inadequate.

Consider the preponderance of tutors today. Years ago, you hired a tutor only when Precious was poised to flunk. Today, says Wise, "40% of the kids enrolled in the Sylvan Learning Systems programs are being tutored above grade level. So it's not that they're catching up. It's that their parents want them to be in an accelerated program."

The world of kiddie sports is even more rigorous. Who tosses a ball for fun anymore? "Second- and third-graders are trying out for traveling sports leagues," reports my friend Andi, a Manhattan mom. "And I just got back from the Midwest, where it's more out of control than here!"

Whence comes this push to push? Experts and everyday observers point to the office. Now that more people are becoming parents over age 30 than under, they've obviously spent a lot of time on their careers. The new baby is approached like a new job, with the same diligence, organization and, alas, competition.

Another reason many parents are convinced they must provide their kids with constant (often expensive) "enrichment" is that there is a huge industry peddling this premise. No one felt they needed black-and-white mobiles to stimulate baby's brain waves until someone started selling them. Now it's hard to remember that most of us turned out okay despite the pastel bunnies above our beds.

What's lost in this mad pursuit of perfect kids is the chance for kids to explore the world on their own, to make up their own games — even the chance to fail. But the biggest loss of all is down time with the folks.

How ironic that parents providing endless perks for their kids sometimes end up denying them the most important one of all.