Something about raising kids has changed; parenting is now America's most competitive adult sport. Once upon a time there was a children's world, as in Mark Twain's "Tom Sawyer," where kids were the bosses who could do what they wanted. Playing fields used to be part of this children's world, even for parents who loved sports. Today, many have become places where adults congregate to see how their children measure up in the early race to Harvard.

It is never too early to give your kid a leg up. Especially since the success of Tiger Woods and the Williams sisters, ambitious parents believe that you have to start sports enrichment early and combine it with intense devotion. Maybe that will convince elite schools that their kids have a passion. So they enroll 6-year-olds in competitive soccer, even though these kids are too young to understand its rules or master the challenges of controlling a ball while running down a field--or even which goal they are aiming at.

Today, everyone is piling more work on kids.

To give them a head start, school and homework have intensified, and family time has been sacrificed. Kids participate in so many scheduled activities that many are sleep-deprived. In just the last 20 years, structured sports time has doubled, unstructured children's activities have declined by 50 percent, household conversations have become far less frequent, family dinners have declined 33 percent, and family vacations have decreased by 28 percent.

Thankfully, in part because of the National Alliance for Youth Sports, many coaches remain committed to kids having fun and athletics making children better people. But for families who believe that winning the parenting Olympics is everything, coaches hold keys to success and a valuable college scholarship. For these parents, demanding, intense--even abusive--coaches who train "winners," are sought out. Marriages are put on hold. A parent who is serious about winning will sacrifice a romantic Saturday night dinner for the 10-year-old's ice hockey practice, every week if need be.

What also gets sacrificed is the fun kids can have playing, the ease they learn with their bodies, and the idea that everyone can get pleasure from athletics at every age, whether chosen first or last, whether in childhood, adulthood or old age. Kids want to play. As Fred Engh points out in his wonderful "Why Johnny Hates Sports," children would much rather play on a losing team than warm the bench for one that wins.

The American Academy of Pediatrics warned parents about the dangers of competing in demanding, incredibly competitive sports. They strongly advised that children play multiple sports and specialize in one, if they must, after puberty.

I can't speak as an elite athlete. But my friend Donna deVarona won 2 gold medals in the 1964 Olympics. She feels that specialization and the competitive demands it puts on youngsters too early in life leads to burnout and physical problems. She refuses to let her children train and compete in only one sport year-round. She also makes family time a priority over practices. Her kids do not play travel soccer because she insists on family dinners and on vacations where her children can take a respite from the pressures of a rigorous academic schedule.

Is anyone listening?

Take elite gymnastics again, where my daughter excelled. Many youngsters are practicing five, seven, nine times or more a week. Though few will ever make the Olympics and many will do lifelong damage to their joints and spinal columns, coaches tempt their parents with stories about how two of their last level 10 gymnasts got into Brown.

Should we be concerned that 90 percent of competitive female gymnasts get their first period a year or two late? A 1996 study reported eating disorders in 100 percent of elite female gymnasts and osteoporosis in more than half. Are they chosen for their short stature or does gymnastics impede height? No one can say for sure. What should I say to the elite gymnast who had both shoulders replaced, twice, in her 30s? Is she an example for your daughter to follow? Should we be concerned that orthopedic surgeons recently reported a worrisome increase in recreation-linked injuries among children? Should we really be teaching "heading" to our 9-year-old soccer players when we suspect it can cause brain damage? Does empirical evidence support the "winning is everything" notion?

If we put so much energy into organized kids' sports, we end up devaluing true play, which needs no purpose beyond the pleasure of being. Today's children are so tightly scheduled that many have never invented a back-yard game or had time to just lollygag with friends.

We act as if a child being bored is a dread enemy; parents become akin to cruise ship activities directors. Actually, in moderation, boredom can stimulate kids to think and create. America's economic success is based on people such as David Packard, Bill Gates, and of course, Steven Spielberg, who daydreamed and tinkered with visions of their own. I know several professional athletes. All are very gifted athletically; I admire and respect them. But not one had a background I'd wish for my kids. Each became passionate about athletics because it was the way out of a poor economic or family situation. Furthermore, only 1 percent of kids who start as competitive athletes get sports scholarships. The real scandal is that numerous kids, usually from minority groups, are recruited as workers in the multibillion dollar industry we call college sports. It is the last place that workers are used without pay--what was once called slavery.

But these athletes are used as professionals and often leave the institution used up, with no degree, no severance pay, no career, no useful skills and no way to make a living.

Achievement can be a spectacular thing. But holding up the fanaticism that goes into winning Olympic gold as a model for every other kid to emulate offers a dangerous psychological message. Many play, few win. Most of us will enjoy sports; few of us will be pros. We will have peak experiences in our lives, but only every decade or two. Our ads tell kids to "just say no" to drugs and premature sex. But then our cheering for the gold says that life is about super-highs.

Furthermore, we forget about teaching children character. It is like discipline, which comes from the word "disciple." Christ's disciples followed him because they wanted to emulate the way of life he personified. Kids emulate parents and coaches in the same way. Are they modeling admirable behavior? Are their words and actions consistent? Do they encourage you to play your best but actually act like only winning counts? Do they shout expletives at the umpire for a bad call, or do they criticize the parent who does so? Do they secretly praise a player who injured the other team's star or do they punish unsportsmanlike behavior?

If coaches and parents say a kid ought to work constantly to be excellent--no down time or fun for fun's sake--our children may conclude that we don't consider joy and family time to be important. Yet an old Jewish tradition holds that, in the afterlife, we will have to answer to God for every pleasure He permitted us in which we did not partake. Parents who can't relive their childhood need to let their kids live theirs in the first place.

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