NAME: Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld

BACKGROUND:Alvin Rosenfeld, who has taught at Harvard and Columbia Universities and headed the child psychiatry training program at Stanford University, has private practices in New York City and Greenwich, Conn. The author of four books and more than 70 articles, he lives in Stamford, Conn., with his wife, Dorothy, and his three children, Lisa, Sam and Mike.

In his experience as a father and child psychiatrist, Rosenfeld saw a growing number of parents striving to control every minute of their child's life. In response, he decided to write "Hyper-Parenting: Are You Hurting Your Child by Trying Too Hard?" (St. Martins Press, $22.95) with co-authors Nicole Wise and Robert Coles.

Q--What is hyper-parenting?

A--It is a style of child rearing where kids are being overpressured and hurried. Well-meaning mothers and fathers are micromanaging their children's lives. These parents find parenting to be one big to-do list.

Parents want the best for their children, so they pressure them to do activities based on what others are doing, not what the child wants to do. They are so terrified that their children will do drugs or dye their hair blue or wear tongue rings. Their answer is to have their children do activities of the parents' choice to keep them busy and competitive with others in the neighborhood.

Some parents conform to what other parents are doing because they believe this is what gets their child acceptance from their peers.

But children don't get acceptance from peers based on the activities they participate in or the things they have. The kids who are really accepted are kids who are centered. Some kids have everything and they have terrible peer relationships.

I have friends who have donated wings to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, who have great children with whom they spend a lot of time. I also have friends just as wealthy who do not spend time with their children and have poor relationships with them.

Raising a child is not like driving a car. We don't need instructions. What most parents need is to trust who they are. They need to guide their children but give them room to make their lives their own.

Q--Do you believe that parents should limit the material possessions they give their children?

A--I'm not against having possessions. But I see the faces behind the scenes and they are pretty unhappy. Kids don't want things, they want time.

When I was a medical student at Harvard, there was a world-renowned neurologist in the cafeteria every night at 11 p.m. having dinner. One time I asked him, "I know you're married, but you're here all the time. When do you get time to see your wife?" He said, "Her time is every Tuesday from 6-6:30 p.m." He was driven and gave nothing to his family.

Many parents are the same way. Parents need to understand that if they want relationships with their children they must give them time, not things.

Q--What do you think that kids want from their parents?

A--In my profession, I speak to many children every day. I find that what most kids want is to have their parents like them just the way they are. One boy that I spoke to was a so-so student and a very good athlete. When I asked him what he wanted from his parents, he said he just wanted them not to judge him. He told me, "I'm judged at school, and I am judged on the field. When I come home I don't want to be judged."

Kids want their parents to play catch with them. They don't want instruction; they just want to play.

Q--What can parents do to stop hyper-parenting before it gets out of control?

A--I actually wrote this book for parents who are not already too far gone in their hyper-parenting. My book is really for parents who are starting to get into the to-do list type of mentality but not real sure it is for them. I suggest these things for these parents:

Parents need to realize the glass is 15/16 full and they need to stop trying to fill it. They need to be unproductive. This means they need to sit down and play Monopoly, or take a walk, or dribble a ball.

Thirdly, parents need to make time for themselves. They need to go out to dinner without their children and have a bottle of wine and intimate time. Too often, parents sacrifice their lives for their children. Parents are entitled to lives of their own.

Parents need to figure out how to relax. If parents diminish their anxiety, they will be better parents. Parents need to believe that they can have good children even if they don't start them in activities at an early age.

When an expert says you can increase your child's IQ by 8 points if you play Mozart when they are infants, parents rush out and buy CDs.

Parenting is a dance and parents need to do it their way. They can't let anyone tell them what is right for them. Parents in today's world are a very educated group that goes to books to figure out how to fix their children.

Kids don't need to be fixed. They need their parents to spend quantity time with them and love them.