August 1, 2000

All parents want their children to excel in the classroom, on the playing field and socially. We spend enormous amounts of time, energy and money to give our children every possible advantage.

We spend huge amounts of time helping them with homework. We hire tutors if their grades slip. We sign them up for SAT prep courses, even when they are at the top of their classes.

We send them to computer camp and music lessons. We chauffeur them to soccer practice, stage rehearsals, swim meets, chess tournaments...

Many people feel this is generous self-sacrifice -- "being a good parent." I call it hyper-parenting. I believe it is harmful to kids and parents alike.

Our emphasis on perfection and perpetual motion is damaging family life. We end up micromanaging our children's lives because we feel so completely responsible and we fear under-performance.

This relentless pressure tells our children that we don't think they're good enough... they're not trying hard enough... they're not pleasing us.

Let's take a sane look at key areas where we tend to hyper-parent...

• Athletics: Competition can be a good thing. Athletics teaches good sportsmanship... how to work as a team... how to accept defeat gracefully... how to be a good winner.

  Too many parents are so caught up in their children's participation in sports that they emphasize only excelling and winning. Key questions...

  • Is my child playing because he/she loves the game... or because he thinks he should?
  • Is he so exhausted by practices and games that he's too tired to do homework?
  • Does he have enough free time to spend with friends and family?

• Academics: Are we deciding which classes our children should take?
• Do we write or edit papers for our children because we think they might emphasize the wrong things or include grammatical mistakes?
• Who chooses which colleges students should visit, apply to and ultimately attend?
• Are we pushing the child to attend a prestigious school, even if it's not the best fit?
• Social lives: Are we stage-managing our kids' social relationships by manipulating which friends they see?

While it isn't always easy, we actually can reverse this tendency to micromanage all aspects of our children's lives.

• Know your kids as they really are. Don't try to create custom kids. Instead, talk and listen to them... discover what they like to do... what worries them... their fantasies and dreams. Be supportive.

  Let them make mistakes. Don't put them in physical danger, and do help them avoid disastrous errors. But gradually give them more opportunities to make decisions, even if they make mistakes. They will learn and feel responsibility for -- and ownership of -- their lives.

  In tricky or potentially dangerous situations, talk through the options so that your children can come to the best conclusions.

  When they do err or are disappointed or hurt, let them know that you understand. Explain that these experiences are normal and everyone goes through them.

  Children need to learn that their actions can have negative consequences. If we rob them of opportunities to mess up once in a while, they'll never learn from their mistakes... and move on.

• Difficulties can be overcome. This lesson is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child. During tough times, we need to stick by them and let them know that we trust their ability to overcome frustration and obstacles.

  No one can predict the future. Amazingly, most of us realize that an event that sadden us at first -- such as getting rejected by our top college choice -- may be a blessing because the college we ultimately attend is a better fit.

  Kids often surprise us with their accomplishments. Then the triumph is truly theirs -- not ours.

• Figure out what is important to you as a parent. Too often, we fear that if a child is unhappy, uncomfortable or not achieving "his potential," it makes us as parents look inadequate and we will be considered bad parents. So we try to jump in and smooth everything out.

  Remember -- childhood is a preparation, not a performance. By definition, kids are works in progress. They should not be expected to everything well.

  Consider your motives when you catch yourself micromanaging your child's life.

  • What does his being socially successful or a winner mean to you?
  • What values are you communicating to your kids by your priorities and actions?

• Avoid the one-trick-pony perspective. Look at the whole child, not just his greatest strength or weakness. Say your son is a socially awkward B-minus student -- but he excels on the track team. You want to build his self-esteem, and you hope that recognition as a track start will make him happy. You cheer for him at every meet and talk to him constantly about his running times.

  Focusing on just one aspect of a child's life fosters insecurity. When one trait becomes magnified, it can define the whole person. Children, like adults, want to be loved completely, the good and the bad -- not just for one particular talent.

Most of us have everything we need and most of what we want. Our children are lovable, capable and strong. We should take more time to relax and enjoy each other, instead of rushing through life with our eyes only on one more achievement.

Play Monopoly... shoot hoops... go for a walk -- spending time with no goals at all lets children know that we love them for who they are, not for what they can accomplish. And that makes everyone feel better about themselves.

Bottom Line/ Personal interviewed Alvin Rosenfeld, MD, child psychiatrist in private practice in New York City and Greenwich, Connecticut. He is co-author of Hyper-Parenting: Are You Hurting Your Child By Trying Too Hard? (St. Martin's Press).