By Samantha Critchell
Associated Press

NEW YORK — We seem to all want kids who are good looking, athletic and at the top of their class.

That's why infants are enrolled in music classes, preschoolers have tutors and school-age children are scheduled with more extracurricular activities than they can keep track of.

"As parents, we have a narrow definition of success," says Nicole Wise, co-author of "The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap" (St. Martin's Press). But, she asks, how many successful, well-adjusted adults were under such pressure to achieve when they were growing up? Probably not many, Wise answers, but they still turned out OK.

Moms and dads are scrutinizing their parenting skills by what college their children get into instead of enjoying the loving relationship they have and building a healthy relationship that will last a lifetime — long beyond the college diploma, Wise observes.

"You don't want to raise a resume," adds Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, a board-certified psychiatrist and Wise's co-author. "You want to raise a human being."

Individual dance classes, piano lessons and soccer games are wonderful and certainly can enhance children's lives, but in aggregate, they can be destructive, says Rosenfeld. He says he often hears of children's schedules that start at 7 a.m. and end at 9 p.m.

"We're taking away kids' discovery of their own worlds."

He tells of one 12-year-old girl he knows who recently set an athletic record. Instead of being happy, she was anxious. Her parents wondered why.

The answer: She's so worried that she has to break her own record the next time to stay ahead of the competition.

And she's "a winner" in the super-competitive world of today's kids, says Rosenfeld.

"I've also seen teens — and this is a direct quote — where it's 'Get into Harvard or Yale or bust.' So if they're not going to get in, they drop out, maybe get involved in drugs or alcohol."

Then the parents blame themselves for allowing their child that free hour when he was 6, he says.

"Anxiety brings out the worst in everyone. Lowering anxiety brings out the best."

The desire for top performance — whether it's the parents' desire, the children's desire or both — is turning out people who miss out on other key life skills, like learning about one's strengths and weaknesses, and how to accept a setback, says Wise, who lives with her four children in Stamford, Conn.

Kids are also missing out on playtime.

"Our generation is the most educated generation of parents. We bring a formidable set of skills to parenting, but it's almost too much information. ... Not every single thing we do and every single moment in our kids' lives is that important in shaping the rest of their lives."

However, the time parents and children spend doing "nothing" may be the most important time, especially if they are doing nothing together.

A parent who spends time with the child is saying to that kid that he is interesting in his own right, not that he is a superstar because of a score or accomplishment, explains Rosenfeld, the father of three school-age children. He maintains psychiatry practices in New York and Greenwich, Conn.

A close parental relationship and the child's knowledge that he has his parent's ear does more to build self-esteem than any blue ribbon, he says.

After years of spending "dinnertime" in the car with her four kids gobbling pizza in the back seat, Marjorie Kelley of Columbus, Ohio, now eats a real meal with her family every night.

The decision to slow down wasn't a result of her kids whining or complaining — they were real sports about going to piano lessons an hour away from their home, she says — but the kids made clear that they missed face-to-face family time.

After another marathon day, Kelley asked her children to write on a piece of paper what they'd like more than anything. The answers were more family excursions, more family game time and more reading of stories as a family.

"So we slowed down, but I still felt guilty because all my neighbors are still racing around. ... But since then we've been one happy family," says Kelley.

Other improvements, according to Kelley, are that her children seem to have a longer attention span, they read for pleasure, the siblings get along better, and they never say they're bored.

"I'm enjoying my family more. We're not just discussing logistics anymore of how to get here from there. We talk about all sorts of things. Sex came up the other day, and what type of dog to get — and the price of gasoline — everything from soup to nuts."

July 17, 2001

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