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The hyperparent trap
The Arizona Republic Nov. 7, 2000 You're a parent and you've noticed that this is an article about parenting. Already, your antennae are up. You're scanning for tips, recommendations, wise counsel from experts, anything that will help you do a better job of building a better kid. Here's today's handy advice: STOP. Stop scheduling every free moment in your child's life. Stop putting academic achievements and athletic accomplishments ahead of relationships and character. Stop the cycle of competing and comparing. Just STOP. Don't get all defensive. Yes, your intentions are good. But Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, a prominent child psychiatrist, notes that the road to a hot place was paved with those, and he has a word - hyperparenting - to describe our culture's micromanagement of kids' lives. He even calls this tyranny over their to-do lists an illness.
"Hyperparenting is now the most prevalent form of child-rearing in America among the middle and upper-middle class," says Rosenfeld, co-author of a new book, Hyper-Parenting: Are You Hurting Your Child by Trying Too Hard? (St. Martin's Press, $22.95). " 'Start early enough and be intense enough, and you can raise a Tiger Woods.' . . . It's so unbalanced. It's a madness." Rosenfeld, the father of three children age 13 and younger, describes himself as a "hyperparent in recovery" and admits that the habit can be hard to break. But break it we must, if children are to grow into happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults. He uses the town where his practice is based - the affluent New York City suburb of Greenwich, Conn. - as a prime example of how things have gone awry. "Every kid in Greenwich is either 'gifted' or 'learning disabled,' " he says, only half-jokingly. "There's no 'average' anymore." The stage for hyperparenting was set in the 1950s, Rosenfeld says, when children no longer were seen as an economic necessity to a family. Along came a better-educated generation of parents, plus the dissolution of traditional community and family ties. The result: Children became the center of their parents' universe. And that's not good for anyone. "Absolute self-sacrifice and martyrdom are not the hallmarks of a good parent," Rosenfeld says. "Then we're surprised when (children) are spoiled." Psychotherapist Harriet Lerner, author of The Mother Dance, agrees that kids aren't given enough time - during the day, during life - to just be kids. "Kids are growing up much too quickly, and mothers and fathers are much too busy," she says. "We give a lot of lip service to 'family values.' " There is hope on the horizon. Some families are making bold moves toward unity and sanity. Anita Scott, the mother of three children age 8 and younger, left her banking job five years ago and now does consulting work out of the family's Tempe home. "It's much more joyful to actually have the time to be a parent," she says. "Before, it was just managing schedules. We've got lighter demands now, and I know a lot more of what my kids are like." Scott sees others scaling back to regain control. "I see people with more perspective," she says. "We've all been down the road of doing everything and volunteering whenever we're asked. Even if it's not a child activity, you see the impact of that on the family."
Reach the reporter at doug.carroll@arizonarepublic.com or (602) 444-8190.
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